Sunday, May 17, 2015


My teenage daughter came home in a rage.
‘I’ve just done sex education in school today, Dad! 
You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth 
birthday, my boyfriend will die!’
I put down my paper: ‘Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.’ 

What do you call ten rabbits walking backwards?
A receding HARE line!

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers.
Now they drink like their fathers. 

Phil is at a beauty parlor. 
He tells the hair dresser, "I want to look like a movie star." 
The hairdresser responds, have you scene the "Hunchback 
of Notre Dame?" 

Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes 
instead of old ones.

Biblical Theme Songs........
Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head" 
Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise" 
Lazarus: "The Second Time Around" 
Esther: "I Feel Pretty" 
Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues" 
Moses: "The Wanderer" 
Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"
Samson: "Hair"Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night" 
Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" 
Esau: "Born To Be Wild" 
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!" 
The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star" 
Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale" 
Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away" 
Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive" 
Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"

 I didn't make it to the gym today. 
That makes five years in a row.

Daughter: Mommy, what's it like to have the most awesome 
daughter in the world ?
Mother: I don't know, ask your grandmother.

In other car news the Chevy Volt body was found to be to 
heavy so they chose the lighter weight of a 1962 Mercury 
Comet and now have a VOMIT.

I used to be a mentor to a female midget. 
That girl really looked up to me.