Marriage: The only sport in which the trapped animal has to
buy a license.
“When the golfer with a serious iron deficiency went back to
the doctor for a check-up he was told that he was still not
out of the woods.”
A lady on a commuter train was reading a
newspaper article about life and death statistics.
Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her
and said, "Did you know that every time I breathe
"Really!?" he said, "Have you tried mouthwash?"
It's a dog-eat-dog world out there.
That's why I stay in here where it's a
After being away on business, Tim thought it
would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.
"How about some perfume?" he asked the
She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.
"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned
with a smaller bottle for $30.00.
"That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny
"What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see
something really cheap."
The clerk handed him a mirror.
Gladys was the preacher's wife and accompanied her husband
each Sunday to church.
One particular Sunday when the sermon seemed to go on
forever, many in the congregation fell asleep.
After the service, to be sociable, she walked up to a very
sleepy looking gentleman.
In an attempt to revive him from his stupor, she extended
her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."
To which the gentleman replied, "You're not the only one!"
A husband and wife are in church.
The preacher notices that the husband has fallen asleep
and says to the wife, “Wake your husband up!”
The wife answers, “You're the one who made him fall asleep,
you wake him up!”
Johnny wasn't very good at spelling.
During an oral spelling exam, the teacher wrote the word "new"
on the blackboard.
"Now," she asked Johnny, "what word would we
have if we placed a "K" in the front?"
After a moment's reflection, Johnny said, "Canoe?"
A church choir was putting on a car wash to raise
money for a special trip to Bethlehem.
They made a large sign that read: CAR WASH
FOR CHOIR TRIP.
On the scheduled Saturday, business was very
But, by two o'clock the sky clouded, the rain
poured, and there were hardly any customers.
Finally, one of the soprano singers had an idea.
She printed a very large poster with the words:
WE WASH. GOD RINSES. (Next to the words was
an arrow pointing skyward.)
I wasn't planning on going for a run today...
but those cops came out of nowhere.
My wife stopped speaking to me when I wouldn't open the
car door for her.
It's not my fault, I just panicked and swam for the surface.