Tuesday, May 5, 2015


Marriage: The only sport in which the trapped animal has to 
buy a license. 

“When the golfer with a serious iron deficiency went back to 
the doctor for a check-up he was told that he was still not 
out of the woods.”

A lady on a commuter train was reading a 
newspaper article about life and death statistics.
Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her 
and said, "Did you know that every time I breathe 
somebody dies?"
"Really!?" he said, "Have you tried mouthwash?"

It's a dog-eat-dog world out there. 
That's why I stay in here where it's a 
man-eat-donuts world. 

After being away on business, Tim thought it 
would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. 
"How about some perfume?" he asked the 
cosmetics clerk. 
She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.
"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned 
with a smaller bottle for $30.00. 
"That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny 
$15.00 bottle. 
"What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see 
something really cheap."
The clerk handed him a mirror. 

Gladys was the preacher's wife and accompanied her husband 
each Sunday to church. 
One particular Sunday when the sermon seemed to go on 
forever, many in the congregation fell asleep. 
After the service, to be sociable, she walked up to a very 
sleepy looking gentleman. 
In an attempt to revive him from his stupor, she extended 
her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn." 
To which the gentleman replied, "You're not the only one!" 

A husband and wife are in church. 
The preacher notices that the husband has fallen asleep 
and says to the wife, “Wake your husband up!” 
The wife answers, “You're the one who made him fall asleep, 
you wake him up!” 

Johnny wasn't very good at spelling. 
During an oral spelling exam, the teacher wrote the word "new" 
on the blackboard. 
"Now," she asked Johnny, "what word would we 
have if we placed a "K" in the front?"
After a moment's reflection, Johnny said, "Canoe?" 

A church choir was putting on a car wash to raise 
money for a special trip to Bethlehem. 
They made a large sign that read: CAR WASH 
On the scheduled Saturday, business was very 
But, by two o'clock the sky clouded, the rain 
poured, and there were hardly any customers.
Finally, one of the soprano singers had an idea. 
She printed a very large poster with the words: 
WE WASH. GOD RINSES. (Next to the words was
an arrow pointing skyward.)
Business boomed! 

I wasn't planning on going for a run today... 
but those cops came out of nowhere. 

My wife stopped speaking to me when I wouldn't open the 
car door for her. 
It's not my fault, I just panicked and swam for the surface.