A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out
how a Mercedes bends....
My eyes were so red this morning...........
I threw out the Visine and just used Liquid Paper.
Congratulations on the termination of your
isolation and may I express an appreciation of
your determination to end the desperation and
frustration which has caused you so much
consternation in giving you the inspiration to
make a combination to bring an accumulation to
Liz: I get so nervous and frightened during
Doctor: Don't worry about it.
You'll pass eventually.
Liz: I'm the examiner!
Kim Kardashian's back in the news.
It's rumored that she may buy a private island
Because if there's one thing she can't live without,
it's her privacy.
- Jimmy Fallon
Teacher to a student: "Can you think of a
solution to end unemployment?"
"Yes, sir! I'd put all the men on one island and
the women on another."
"And what would they be doing then?"
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps..
2) Say you had a good time but it's late & you
have work tomorrow..
3) Set house on fire...
An elderly lady from a remote little town went to
one of Philadelphia's most fashionable suburbs
to visit her niece and husband.
Nearby was a very well known golf course.
On the second afternoon of her visit, the elderly
lady went for a stroll.
Upon her return, the young niece asked,
"Well, Auntie, did you enjoy yourself?"
"Oh, yes, indeed," said Auntie, beaming.
"Before I had walked very far," she continued,
"I came to some beautiful rolling fields.
There seemed to be a number of people about,
Some of them kept shouting at me in a very
but I took no notice.
There were four men who followed me for some
time, uttering curious excited barking sounds.
Naturally, I ignored them, too.
"Oh, by the way," she added, as she held out her
hands, "I found a number of these curious little
round white balls, so I picked them all up and
brought them home hoping you could explain
what they're for."
An elderly couple were in church.
The wife leaned over and whispered to her
husband, "I just let out a long silent fart...
what should I do?"
The husband replied, "Replace the batteries in
your hearing aid."
Q: What is green and fuzzy, has four legs and
will kill you if it drops from a tree?
A: A pool table.