Saturday, May 2, 2015



A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out 
how a Mercedes bends....

My eyes were so red this morning........... 
I threw out the Visine and just used Liquid Paper. 

Wedding congratulations..... 
Congratulations on the termination of your 
isolation and may I express an appreciation of 
your determination to end the desperation and 
frustration which has caused you so much 
consternation in giving you the inspiration to 
make a combination to bring an accumulation to 
the population. 

Liz: I get so nervous and frightened during 
driving tests!
Doctor: Don't worry about it. 
You'll pass eventually.
Liz: I'm the examiner!

Kim Kardashian's back in the news. 
It's rumored that she may buy a private island 
near Australia. 
Because if there's one thing she can't live without, 
it's her privacy. 
- Jimmy Fallon 

Teacher to a student: "Can you think of a 
solution to end unemployment?"
"Yes, sir! I'd put all the men on one island and 
the women on another."
"And what would they be doing then?"
"Building boats!" 

Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps..
2) Say you had a good time but it's late & you 
have work tomorrow..
3) Set house on fire...

An elderly lady from a remote little town went to 
one of Philadelphia's most fashionable suburbs 
to visit her niece and husband. 
Nearby was a very well known golf course.
On the second afternoon of her visit, the elderly 
lady went for a stroll. 
Upon her return, the young niece asked, 
"Well, Auntie, did you enjoy yourself?"
"Oh, yes, indeed," said Auntie, beaming.
"Before I had walked very far," she continued, 
"I came to some beautiful rolling fields. 
There seemed to be a number of people about, 
mostly men. 
Some of them kept shouting at me in a very 
eccentric manner, 
but I took no notice. 
There were four men who followed me for some 
time, uttering curious excited barking sounds. 
Naturally, I ignored them, too.
"Oh, by the way," she added, as she held out her 
hands, "I found a number of these curious little 
round white balls, so I picked them all up and 
brought them home hoping you could explain 
what they're for."

An elderly couple were in church. 
The wife leaned over and whispered to her 
husband, "I just let out a long silent fart... 
what should I do?"
The husband replied, "Replace the batteries in 
your hearing aid."

Q: What is green and fuzzy, has four legs and 
will kill you if it drops from a tree?
A: A pool table.