Saturday, May 9, 2015



Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won't fix… 
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn.

A traveling salesman is riding through the countryside when 
his car breaks down. 
He walks to a nearby farmhouse and asks to use the phone. 
The farmer tells him, "We ain't got a phone, but I'm headin' 
into town tomorrow an' you kin spend the night here. 
O' course you'll have to sleep in the same bed as my three sons, 
And the salesman says, "Wait a minute..... I'm in the wrong joke." 
The farmer adds, "And an outdated one, too. 
Nowadays salesmen jes' carry a cell phone." 

Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing... 
but I didn't see one celebrity. Rip-off! 

Reptile Breeder.... 
We've all got one of those friends, you know - the guy that 
thinks he can breed animals and make tons of cash...... 
Well my buddy Ray tried it with lizards..."Im gonna make tons 
of money, tons!". 
Last week he called me telling me he's losing his ass on this 
deal because his lizard stud wont do anything with the ladies, 
and pleaded with me to come over and see if I could see the 
 I went over here and immediately spotted the problem: 
"There's your problem" I says..... 
"That little fella's got that 'reptile dysfunction" !!!!!!!! 

Women's magazines: 
20 pages of "accept yourself", 40 pages of "lose 30 lbs in
 4 weeks"....and cake recipes..

How will we know when Bruce becomes a woman? 
When Bill Cosby invites her for a drink....

Two attorneys went into a restaurant and 
ordered two drinks. 
Then they produced sandwiches from their 
briefcases and started to eat.
The waiter became quite concerned and marched 
over and told them, "You can't eat your own 
sandwiches in here!" 
The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged 
their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches. 

"Mommy," the little girl asked, "do all fairy tales 
begin with.... "Once upon a time?"
"No dear, "She replied. 
"Sometimes they start with, "Darling, I'll be 
working a little late at office tonight". 

If you don't believe drugs have done good things for us, 
then go home and burn all your records, all your tapes, 
and all your CDs because every one of those artists who 
have made brilliant music and enhanced your lives? 
RrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrEAL high on drugs. 
The Beatles were so high they let Ringo sing a few songs. 

A man and his wife arrived at the airport too 
late and missed their flight.
He said, "If you hadn't have taken so long 
getting ready we wouldn't have missed the 
She said, "If you hadn't hurried me so, we 
wouldn't have had to wait so long for the next 

The number of red lights you will hit while 
driving is directly proportional to how bad you 
have to pee.