Monday, May 25, 2015


I'm like Newton's Third Law in that whenever I think I have a 
good idea, most other people have an equal and opposite 

Doctor: "Here's your x-ray"
My wife: "Ewww I look ugly in this one, 
delete it and take another" 

Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog 
"NO!" and then more quietly, "We talked about 

Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my 
Super Bowl party today, but now I can't even find the game 
on tv to watch. 

After the birth of their child, an Episcopal priest, 
wearing his clerical collar, visited his wife in the 
He greeted her with a hug and a kiss, and gave 
her another hug and kiss when he left. 
Later, the wife's roommate commented, 
“Your pastor is sure friendlier than mine.”

Even the stick figure woman on my 
wife's back window has a headache. 

Yo momma's so ugly, the government moved 
Halloween to her birthday!  

 I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone 
so we got married. 

A guy wakes up from a coma.....
His doctor asks him what he remembers.
All i remember is getting on an elevator with a 
gorgeous woman and her husband. 
She had a beautiful cleavage and i couldn't stop 
staring at it. 
She then looked at me and told me "Can you 
please press one?".

What if global warming IS a hoax and we clean up our air and 
oceans, create millions of jobs, and become energy 
independent for nothing?