I'm like Newton's Third Law in that whenever I think I have a
good idea, most other people have an equal and opposite
Doctor: "Here's your x-ray"
My wife: "Ewww I look ugly in this one,
delete it and take another"
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog
"NO!" and then more quietly, "We talked about
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my
Super Bowl party today, but now I can't even find the game
on tv to watch.
After the birth of their child, an Episcopal priest,
wearing his clerical collar, visited his wife in the
He greeted her with a hug and a kiss, and gave
her another hug and kiss when he left.
Later, the wife's roommate commented,
“Your pastor is sure friendlier than mine.”
Even the stick figure woman on my
wife's back window has a headache.
Yo momma's so ugly, the government moved
Halloween to her birthday!
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone
so we got married.
A guy wakes up from a coma.....
His doctor asks him what he remembers.
All i remember is getting on an elevator with a
gorgeous woman and her husband.
She had a beautiful cleavage and i couldn't stop
staring at it.
She then looked at me and told me "Can you
please press one?".
What if global warming IS a hoax and we clean up our air and
oceans, create millions of jobs, and become energy
independent for nothing?