Sunday, May 3, 2015


I still remember the first time I had sex. 
I was petrified even before she asked, "Did you bring any 
Terrified doesn't even begin to describe my emotion as I 
inquired, "Why, what are you going to do to me?" 

In high school I was voted 'who is that? 
does he even go to our school? 
Never saw him before' .....

I was complaining the other day to a friend about the knot in 
my tie. 
"These four-in-hands with their tiny knots are so un-stylish,"
 I complained. 
He asked, "Do you know how to do a Windsor knot?" 
I replied, "It doesn't matter if you Windsor knot, 
it's how you play the game! 

I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog 
food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for 

Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home. 
A local man was murdered in his home over the weekend. 
Detectives found him face down in the bathtub. 
The tub had been filled with milk and cornflakes, and a 
banana was sticking out of his arse.
Police suspect a cereal killer.

I found a $100 bill the other day... 
It didn't have my name on it, so I didn't pay it...

Chuck Norris originally appeared in the 
"Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed 
by Beta Testers because every button caused him 
to do a roundhouse kick. 
When asked about this "glitch," Chuck replied, 
"That's no glitch." 

They say you get old and tough...
I think I just got old...

 [First day as a superhero]
 Oh hell yeah!
 *sees a crime happening*
 Already? Ok...
 *the bad guy looks really mean*
 Umm, I'll get the next one 

My son contacted a computer dating service. 
He specified that he wanted a partner who was 
small and cute and who loved water sports and 
enjoyed group activities. 
They matched him up with a penguin. 

I recently opened a shop specializing in origami. 
The business soon folded.