Monday, May 4, 2015



I remember the last zoo I visited. 
It only had one dog! It was a shitzu. 

There is a knock on the pearly gates. 
Saint Peter looks out, and a man is standing there. 
Saint Peter is about to begin his interview when the man 
A moment later there’s another knock. 
Saint Peter gets the door, sees the man, opens his mouth to 
speak, but the man disappears once again. 
“Hey, are you playing games with me?” Saint Peter calls after 
him, rather annoyed.
“No” the man’s distant voice replies anxiously. 
“They are trying to resuscitate me.”

On a flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot 
said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude 
and will be turning down the cabin lights. 
This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of 
your flight attendants." 

Late Breaking News: 
Video of black Baltimore mother beating her rioting son goes 
She beat him so hard the police gave her a job application. 

Good morning! 
If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "Thank you" is all I need, 
not all this "how did you get in my house" nonsense. 

The Perfect Son 
A: I have the perfect son. 
B: Does he smoke? 
A: No, he doesn't. 
B: Does he drink whiskey? 
A: No, he doesn't. 
B: Does he ever come home late? 
A: No, he doesn't. 
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. 
How old is he? 
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

"Have I made myself clear?" 
Said the chameleon as he stood in front of the mirror. 

When a wealthy businessman choked on a fish 
bone at a restaurant, he was fortunate that a 
doctor was seated at a nearby table. 
Springing up, the doctor skillfully removed the 
bone and saved his life. 
As soon as the fellow had calmed himself and 
could talk again, he thanked the surgeon 
enthusiastically and offered to pay him for his 
"Just name the fee," he croaked gratefully. 
"Okay," replied the doctor. 
"How about half of what you'd have offered 
when the bone was still stuck in your throat?" 

I'm never travelling on Virgin Atlantic. 
I don't want to get on a plane that won't go all the way.

The doctor to the patient: "You are very sick." 
The patient to the doctor: "Can I get a second 
The doctor again: "Yes, you are very ugly too."