Monday, May 11, 2015



Doctor: "The best thing you can do is give up drinking and 
smoking and start eating healthy foods." 
Me: "What's the second best thing?"

My wife tried runway modeling once. 
It was a disaster. 
She's not allowed back at the airport. 

I once dated a girl who worked for an organ donor clinic, 
but I had to dump her. 
She only wanted me for my body.

This guy waved to me and then walked up and said, "Sorry, 
I thought you were someone else." 
I said, "I am." 

A one-armed eldery man and his wife step into a restaurant in 
The man orders a steak while his wife goes for a salad. 
The waiter sees the man struggle with his steak, as he only 
has one arm. 
The waiter feels bad for the man, but doesn't want to ask him 
if everything is alright because he might embarrase the man. 
At one point the man leaves the table to go to the bathroom 
and the waiter approaches the woman. 
"Is everything alright?" He asks. 
The woman tells him that her husband lost his arm in the 
second world war when he was fighting in Paris. 
The waiter tells his manager they've got a proper veteran 
in their restaurant and the manager doesn't think twice. 
"Everyone that fought for our freedom eats for free!" 
The waiter brings them the good news and the couple is 
much delighted. 
After dinner the manager and the waiter escort the couple to 
the door. 
When holding the door open for the veteran he looks at the 
manager and says "Vielen dank für die guten abend" 

*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
*"Nah, I hate violence..... Can I just pay cash?" 

Welcome to Lion Tamer School. 
Everyone grab a chair. 
Good... good. 
You're all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now. 

I've just applied for a patent on my latest 
invention, the "Condom Carrier". 
It is made of fine leather, and comes in three 
. First, for our Hispanic friends, there is the 
"6 pack". 
It fits snuggly in your back pocket, and holds 6 
That's one each for Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, 
Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. 
. Next, for our Black brothers, we offer the 
"8 pack". 
That's Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, 
Friday, Saturday, and, as you might imagine, 
twice on Sunday. 
. Finally, for our White men's delight, we have 
the "12 pack". Yes, that's right, TWELVE! 
That's January, February, March, April, May, 
June, July,....... 

Got bit by a mosquito yesterday... 
Found out it checked into the Betty Ford clinic this morning.

A little child in church for the first time watched as the
 ushers passed the offering plates.
When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster 
piped up so that everyone could hear: 
"Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm under five."