Doctor: "The best thing you can do is give up drinking and
smoking and start eating healthy foods."
Me: "What's the second best thing?"
My wife tried runway modeling once.
It was a disaster.
She's not allowed back at the airport.
I once dated a girl who worked for an organ donor clinic,
but I had to dump her.
She only wanted me for my body.
This guy waved to me and then walked up and said, "Sorry,
I thought you were someone else."
I said, "I am."
A one-armed eldery man and his wife step into a restaurant in
The man orders a steak while his wife goes for a salad.
The waiter sees the man struggle with his steak, as he only
has one arm.
The waiter feels bad for the man, but doesn't want to ask him
if everything is alright because he might embarrase the man.
At one point the man leaves the table to go to the bathroom
and the waiter approaches the woman.
"Is everything alright?" He asks.
The woman tells him that her husband lost his arm in the
second world war when he was fighting in Paris.
The waiter tells his manager they've got a proper veteran
in their restaurant and the manager doesn't think twice.
"Everyone that fought for our freedom eats for free!"
The waiter brings them the good news and the couple is
After dinner the manager and the waiter escort the couple to
When holding the door open for the veteran he looks at the
manager and says "Vielen dank für die guten abend"
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
*"Nah, I hate violence..... Can I just pay cash?"
Welcome to Lion Tamer School.
Everyone grab a chair.
You're all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
I've just applied for a patent on my latest
invention, the "Condom Carrier".
It is made of fine leather, and comes in three
. First, for our Hispanic friends, there is the
It fits snuggly in your back pocket, and holds 6
That's one each for Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday,
Thursday, Friday, and Saturday.
. Next, for our Black brothers, we offer the
That's Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday,
Friday, Saturday, and, as you might imagine,
twice on Sunday.
. Finally, for our White men's delight, we have
the "12 pack". Yes, that's right, TWELVE!
That's January, February, March, April, May,
Got bit by a mosquito yesterday...
Found out it checked into the Betty Ford clinic this morning.
A little child in church for the first time watched as the
ushers passed the offering plates.
When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster
piped up so that everyone could hear:
"Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm under five."