••
♥
the different names of money.....
in church it's called an offering,
in marriage it's called a dowry,
when you owe it, it's a debt,
when you pay government, it's a tax,
in court it's called, fines
government retirees call it, pension,
boss to workers: salary,
when you borrow from a bank, loan,
when you offer a service, tip
and when you're robbed, CONGRESS..
••
I was so disappointed when I discovered...
there was no weed in a pot pie.
••
"He who joyfully marches to music rank and file,
has already earned my contempt.
He has been given a large brain by mistake,
since for him the spinal cord would surely suffice."
- Albert Einstein.
••
If it ain’t broke,my children haven’t touched it yet.
••
Business One-liners.....
1. Lieberman's Law: Everybody lies, but it doesn't
matter, because nobody listens.
2. Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair: After your
hands become coated with grease, your nose
will begin to itch.
3. Lynch's Law: When the going gets tough,
everyone leaves.
4. Manly's Maxim: Logic is a systematic method of
coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
5. Mason's First Law of Synergism: The one day
you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a
glut.
••
My friend thinks he is smart.
He told me an onion is the only food that makes
you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
••
My computer keeps giving me an error message:
"The Printer Can't Be Found."
Uh, buddy it's RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO.
••
A helicopter carrying passengers suddenly looses
engine power and the aircraft begins to decent.
The pilot safely performs an emergency landing
in water, and tells the passengers to remain
seated and to keep the doors closed, stating that
in emergency situations, the aircraft is designed
to stay afloat for 30 minutes, giving rescuers time
to get to them.
Just then a man gets out if his seat and runs over
to open the door.
The pilots screams at him, "Didn't you hear what
I said, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat as
long as the doors remain closed?!".
"Of course I heard you", the man replied,
"but it's also designed to fly, and look how good
that one worked out!!"
••
I'm so badly in debt...
my bank now sends me a monthly
understatement.
••
Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking,
when the subject turned to getting older.
The first guy said, "Women have all the luck
when it comes to getting older."
"What do you mean?" asked the second guy.
"Well," replied the first.
"I can barely remember the last time I was able
to get it up in bed, but my wife is healthier than
ever!"
"Healthier? How is that?" his buddy wondered.
"Well, years ago, when we were younger, almost
every night before bed she'd get these terrible
headaches." he answered.
"Now that we're older, she hasn't had a headache
in years."
••••
