Friday, May 1, 2015



Cop: "Did you kill this man?" 
Me: "No, a bullet killed him. 
Bullets are made of lead, which comes from the ground. 
The ground is part of nature. 
He died of natural causes..... Case closed." 

I was once behind a HUGE woman in McDonalds.
She ordered Two Big Macs, Extra Large Fries, Apple Pie and 
a "Diet Coke" 
I tapped her on the should and told her, 
"You do realize that Diet Coke isn't a miracle drug don't you?" 
She was pissed, luckily with all that bulk, she couldn't run 
very fast... 

I hate it when ugly people say "I need my beauty sleep." 
Bitch you need to hibernate.

I know a woman who has a slight weight problem 
is how she describes it. 
She weighs around 350 pounds. 
Unqualified where she works she still receives promotions 
and pay raises way past her abilities. 
I guess the scales are tipped in her favor. 

error 505........
You have reached the End.
 Please try the following: 
• Go outside and get some fresh air. 
• Start reading the books you never found the time to read. 
• Educate yourself further. 
• Eat healthy food. 
• Meet your friends.

My favorite part of attending a marathon 
is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic 
cup of vodka.

Studies have shown that smoking cannabis causes short term 
memory loss. 
Next they'll be saying that smoking cannabis causes short 
term memory loss. 

Replace Oreo cream-filling with toothpaste and 
offer one to someone. 

I'm not sure who's more drunk, me or the guy 
wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the