Saturday, May 23, 2015



The bra I saw on the side of the road will have a much more 
exciting story about the weekend than I ever will.

"Mommy, my turtle is dead," the little boy, Freddie, sorrowfully 
told his mother, holding the turtle out to her. 
The mother kissed him on the head, then said, "That's all right. 
We'll wrap him in tissue paper, put him in a little box, then have 
a nice burial ceremony in the back yard. 
After that, we'll go out for an ice cream soda, and then get 
you a new pet. 
I don't want you...." 
Her voice trailed off as she noticed the turtle move. 
"Freddie, your turtle is not dead after all." 
"Oh," the disappointed boy said. "Can I kill it?" 

In my day we didn't have text messaging. 
We had to write a "Do you like me: Yes or no?" note and pass 
it through 17 mutual friends.

I break out in hand cuffs when I drink tequila...

Airport Security alerted an airline crew to keep an eye a blonde 
passenger who appeared excessively nervous and shifty-eyed. 
Soon after takeoff, the blonde man called a stewardess to his 
seat and said, "I have a live grenade in my pocket. 
I'll blow up the plane if you do not divert to Cairo."
Perplexed, the stewardess said, "But, sir. 
This is TWA flight 1219 to Cairo."
"Damn!" replied the blonde passenger, 
"I got on the wrong plane."

The funniest thing about being sober is someday 
finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto. 

Told the cops I'm allergic to handcuffs.. 
There's some hot chicks in the emergency room. 

After police pulled over Kevin Temple, 35, in a routine traffic 
stop in Bronson, Fla., in October, a police dog sniffing the 
trunk became agitated. In the trunk and back seat, 
officers found the following live animals: 48 rattlesnakes, 
a Gila monster, 45 non-poisonous snakes, 67 scorpions, 
several tarantulas and small lizards, and a parrot. 
Temple said they were just pets....

Husband wrote a romantic message to his wife while on his 
official trip and missed an "e" in the last word. 
Now he is seeking police protection to enter his own house.... 
He wrote "Hi darling I'm experiencing the best time of my life 
& I wish you were her !!" 
     Game over. 

"You are what you eat"?
I don't remember eating a giant disappointment.