You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to
celebrate my new gun.
A teacher sees a lad entering the classroom – his hands were
She stopped him and said, “John, please wash your hands.
My goodness, what would you say if I came into the room with
hands like that?”
Smiling the boy replied, “I think I’d be too polite to mention it.”
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems
because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open
the front door very excited.
Unable to attend the game, his father immediately
wanted to know what happened.
"So, how did you do son?" he asked.
"You'll never believe it!" Billy said.
"I was responsible for the winning run!"
"Really? How'd you do that?"
"I dropped the ball."
Told a girl she's more attractive when she's not wearing glasses
and she said I'm also more attractive when she's not wearing
Son: "Dad, did you go to Church when you were little?"
Dad: "Yes son, every single Sunday."
Son: "I thought so.
Bet it won't do me any good either."
I just sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent.
Now he'll never have any friends.
Seeing how Iron Man and Batman are only really smart and
super rich, I’m kind of disappointed with Bill Gates.
I walked in to our house to find my wife and
children all standing at the front door talking to
a middle-aged woman.
"Hello, all," I announced.
My kids ran to me and told me the lady was
from 'Sesame something'.
"The census bureau?" I asked.
"Yeah! How did you know?" they shouted
"I know EVERYTHING!" I said not divulging
that I had read about the door to door visits in
So we all walked up to the lady, and I told her
that these children were from Cuba and that she
should take them away.
"Maybe they can get jobs picking sugar cane?"
My kids laughed, the lady just looked at me and
my wife hit me.
"Um, for 'race'" I continued, "you can put us
down as 'Black Irish'."
My kids laughed, the census taker didn't, my
wife hit me.
"OK," I said, "strike two and I'm out.
I'm gonna go take a dump."
My kids laughed, the census taker laughed,
my wife hit me.
Most people put their pants on one leg at a time,
Chuck Norris does both legs at once.
I was cleaning my Coleman lantern today when
all of a sudden a redneck genie appeared.
He said that for freeing him from the lantern,
he would grant me three wishes, providing they
involved duct tape, domestic beer, or