Thursday, April 2, 2015



"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken
clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. 
Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, 
more than Southwest Airlines."

Bill & Hillary Clinton were sleeping one night at the White 
Hillary wakes up and starts shaking Bill to wake him up. 
"Bill, Bill wake up."
Bill stays sleeping. 
Hillary continues, "Bill, Bill wake up."
Bill finally wakes up and says, "What do you want?"
Hillary responds, "I have to go use the bathroom."
To which Bill says, "Please tell me you didn't wake me up just 
to tell me you have to go to the bathroom."
Hillary says, "No, I just wanted to tell you to save my spot."

"Look at ME!" boasted the fit old man to a group of young 
"Every morning I do fifty push-ups, fifty sit-ups and walk two 
I'm fit as a fiddle! And you want to know why? I don't smoke, 
I don't drink, I don't stay up late, and I don't chase after women!"
He smiled at them, teeth white, eyes glittering, "And tomorrow, 
I'm going to celebrate my 95th birthday!"
"Oh, really?" drawled one of the young onlookers,.... "How?"

Staff gathered in the car park for a fire drill at the sperm bank 
before the alarm had gone off, it was a premature evacuation.

A guy says, "Doc, you gotta help me. 
Every time I fart, it sounds like, "Honda." 
The doctor says, "You say, 'Honda?'" 
"No," the guy says. 
"My farts do." 
So, the doctor says, "OK, open your mouth," and 
looks inside. 
After about two minutes, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, 
I can't help you, you need to go see a dentist." 
The guy says, "Why a dentist?" 
The doctor says, "Because you have an abscessed tooth."
The guy says, "What the hell does that have to do with 
my condition?" 
The doctor says, "Well, didn't you know? 
Abscess makes the farts go Honda!"

A woman told me that I take the 'e' out of 
She digs me, right? 

Two doctors opened an office in a small town. 
They put up a sign reading: "Dr Smith and Dr Jones, 
Psychiatry and Proctology." 
The town council was not too happy with the sign, 
so the doctors changed it to: "Hysteria's and Posteriors." 
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to 
satisfy the council, they changed the sign to: 
"Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." 
No go! Next they tried "Catatonics and Colonic s" 
Thumbs down again. 
Then came, "Manic-Depressives and Anal-Retentive s." 
But is was still not good! So they tried: 
"Minds and Behinds" 
"Analysis and Anal Cysts" 
"Nuts and Butts" 
"Freaks and Cheeks" 
"Loons and Moons" 
"Lost Souls and Ass Holes" 
None worked. 
Almost at their wits' end, the doctors finally came up 
with a title they thought might be accepted by the 
"Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Odds and Ends." 

Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn't that weird?
Her: Not really..
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?

Here's to a glass of whiskey 
White hot and amber clear. 
Not as sweet as a woman's kisses 
But a damn sight more sincere. 

Tried to pick a booger off my phone screen.
Ended up calling my mom, signing up for AOL and 
getting an online degree in refrigerator repair.