Friday, April 10, 2015



Sometimes my wife likes to spice up our marriage by wearing 
a black nightgown with buttons on it.
 It makes her look like a remote control.

Drying out wet fireworks in the oven is not a 
good idea........ Trust me on this. 

I was told that exercise helps with your decision 
It's true..... 
After going to the gym earlier I've decided I'm 
never going again. 

Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again. 
Her: Sorry I didn't invite you. 
It was a small ceremony. 
Me: Its ok. I'll go to your next one. 

Police: Where were you between 5 and 6? 
Me: Kindergarten? 

Movie Law: All computer hackers have to say 
"We're in" when they get into "the system". 

My mother-in-law had her belly button pierced. 
Should be a good place to hang the air freshener....

I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. 
I'm ok though, I just swallowed a Norton 
Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.  

Detective: “The victim musta had company. 
There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.” 
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 
16 people over. 

An old fart #1 (my age) stepped up the first tee. 
He tells his equally old fart friend, “My eye sight is bad, would 
he watch the ball for me?” 
“Sure!” replied the equally old fart. 
Old fart #1 sends the ball sailing down the fairway, and asks 
the equally old fart, “Did ya see where the ball went?” 
“Sure did” replied the equally old fart. 
 After a moment of waiting, old fart #1 grumbled, “Well… where did it go?” 
The equally old fart responded, “Where did what go?”...

I failed my audition as Romeo through a 
misunderstanding over a stage direction. 
My copy of the script said: 'Enter Juliet from 
the rear'.

What's more embarrassing? 
The first kiss or the first fart?