My morning commute was hectic today.
I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee.
I made it to the couch safely though....
I have trust issues,
and I'm pretty sure my bathroom scale is a liar.
Anyone who has ever worked in an office with
Chuck Norris regrets asking him for his three
I saw an old couple sharing a newspaper and was
like "oh wow maybe marriage is cool" and then
the lady said "STOP BREATHING ON ME"....
The new warden at the state prison now allows
the inmates to take their own mug shots;
They call them "CELLFIES".....
Today I got chased by a thief trying to steal my
I managed to get away, but he definitely gave me
a good run for my money.
Guy comes home to find his mother-in-law
unconscious on the kitchen floor.
Rushes her to the hospital.
Doctor comes our of the ER 2 hours later and
says "I have some good news and some bad news."
"What's the bad news?"
"Your mother-in-law had a stroke: from now on,
she'll squawk like a crow when she tries to talk;
she's incontinent and has no control over her
bowels, so she'll need attention 24/7, but she's
healthy otherwise, meaning she could live another
"What's the good news?"
"I'm only kidding: she died."
Bicyclists, it's one thing to hog the road,
but it's quite another to expect us to know your
fancy hand signals..... Also, I can see your balls.
I left my phone at home and had no idea
what to do with my hands while I drove to work....
Nothing screams passive agressive quite like
letting your spouse sleep in, while also letting the
kids play loudly outside the bedroom door...
And The Lord said come forth and receive eternal life.
But john came fifth and won a toaster.