Monday, April 27, 2015



I don't care about global warming! 
Who cares if my kids never see a Polar Bear. 
 I never saw a dinosaur, and I'm fine. 

 I've never had a better karate instructor than a 
spider web....

2 men went into business together they decided 
they would sell watermelons by the roadside. 
One would buy the watermelons from the 
farmers for $1 each and the other would sell 
them in his truck for $1 each. 
Weeks and weeks went by where they would buy 
them at $1 each and turn around and sell them 
for $1. 
Finally, one of them turns to the other and says, 
"you know, I don't think we are making any 
The other thinks about it and responds, 
"You know something, you are right! 
Do you think we need a bigger truck?" 

 I want a firsthand test of the "mo money, 
mo problems" hypothesis. 

Sees Salvation Army bell ringer*
"Here you go, buddy. Merry Christmas!"
"Sir, we don't accept children."
 *runs away* 

Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking 
a 20 minute break. 

The CEO of a Fortune 500 corporation is fired by 
his board after too many quarters of slow growth.
As he is in his office cleaning out his desk, his 
replacement arrives. 
The new CEO shakes hands with his predecessor 
and asks "Sounds like you have had a tough ride.  
Any helpful advise as I step in?" 
The outgoing CEO gives him a big smile and says 
"Not only do I... But I have done it already in the 
form of the three envelopes you will find in the 
top desk drawer. 
There is timely advice for you in each of them. 
Just open them in order as you feel the need." 
In the months that follow, things continue to go 
poorly for the hapless corporation and finally, 
one evening, the new CEO finally decides that he 
should open envelope #1.  
He removes it from his desk and opens the letter 
It reads "Clean house! 
Change all of your systems and procedures! 
Push the power of innovation!" 
A few more months pass an quarterly sales are 
continuing to plummet along with profits. 
Close to wits end the new CEO grabs for the 
envelope #2. 
It's message: "Restructure! Downsize! 
Outsource everything!" 
A few more months and the downward spiral 
The new CEO is out of ideas and, in desperation, 
goes to the desk for envelope #3. 
He rips it open and reads the message: 
"Prepare three envelopes"...

*found in the netflix horror section*
 "Mary has a secret that'll TEAR YOU APART"
 Movie name: Mary piranha....

Two little squirrels were walking along in the 
The first one spied a nut and cried out, "Oh, look! 
A nut!" 
The second squirrel jumped on it and said, 
"Its my nut!"
The first squirrel said, "That?s not fair! I saw it 
"Well, you may have seen it, but I have it," 
argued the second.
At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, 
"You shouldn't quarrel. 
Let me resolve this dispute." 
The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer 
squirrel said, "Now, give me the nut." 
He broke the nut in half, and handed half to each 
squirrel, saying, "See? It was foolish of you to 
Now the dispute is resolved."
Then he reached over and said, "And for my fee, 
I'll take both halves, please." 

My wife likes to talk during sex..... 
so she calls me from the hotel room.