Tuesday, April 28, 2015


Fun prank: tell your kid World War II ended by the Americans 
dropping an F-bomb on Japan. 
Then later when his teacher calls, act shocked. 

 New Neighbor: Hi, I'm Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I'm Spencer; I'll be looking in your window and judging 
your decorating choices. 

My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, "DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!"
I'm considering twerking to Ace of Base later. 

Gus Hangs a sign on front door that says "Robbery in progress 
Please do not disturb" to deter burglars...

People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western 
world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.  

The dean of women at an exclusive girl's college was lecturing 
her students on sexual morality.
"In moments of temptation," said the speaker to the class, 
"ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth 
a lifetime of shame?"
A sweet young thing in the back of the room rose to ask: 
"How do you
make it last an hour?"

Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing 
sun all day without catching a single one. 
On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered 
four catfish. 
He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw 
them at me, will you?" 
"Why do you want me to throw them at you?" 
"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them." 
"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy." 
"But why?" 
"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you 
came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. 
She prefers that for supper tonight." 

Rosy said to her husband Dave, "You know sweetheart, 
you are like a lawn-mower?"
Dave said, "Now where did that come from? 
What do you mean?"
Rosy replied, "It's difficult to get you started, 
you release stinking odors, and you don't work most 
of the times."

Jessica was testifying in court with regards to a case she had 
filed for molestation.
She said, "It was late at night, and I was in this dark alley, 
when he grabbed me from behind, and tore my short dress. 
He pulled down my undies and bent me over a box...
I can't even remember what happened after that...!"
Judge Simmons, panting by now, said, 
"Make something up, will you!!"

Mrs. Reed mourned the death of her husband, John Reed. 
On his tombstone, she got the words "Rest in Peace" engraved.
After a few days, when late John's will was read to her, she 
found that he had left all his money to his mistress, Joanna.
Enraged, she approached the carver to make changes to the 
When the carver told her it could not be done..
Mrs. Reed said, "All right, can you at least add \
'Till We Meet Again.'"

What do you get if you boil funny bones? 
A laughing stock.