Wednesday, April 8, 2015


Coworker: Have you had 5 guys? 
Me: *blank stare* That's kinda personal don't ya 
And that's when I found out it's the name of a 
burger joint. 

President Obama's approval rating is now at an 
all-time low. 
It's so bad that last night he gave his daughter 
Sasha a ride to a friend's house and she asked 
him to drop her off two blocks away. 

Recipes sound good until you realize that you 
don't have $846 worth of spices in your house.

Good to know that if they ever release a lion in 
Walmart, you only have to run faster than the fat 
lady with the zebra print pants on. 

Law enforcement's cracking down on texting while 
driving, but there's no law against standing up and 
playing saxophone through your sunroof. 

Playing Frisbee with a five year old is 
amazingly similar to just running after a Frisbee

Bartender: Hey! What’s new? 
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant. 
B: Congratulations! 
M: Yeah. 
B: What’s wrong? 
M: My wife is SUPER pissed. 

Just watched two of my kids try and fail to open a cereal box 
so I've concluded that playing Mozart during pregnancy is 

The doctor just told my girlfriend and I that 
the baby is coming early. 
Like father, like son. 

Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me 
an extra boost during my workout today. 

At grandma's. Which means this morning I woke 
up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, 
"Look who's finally up. 
We thought you were dead!"