Coworker: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That's kinda personal don't ya
And that's when I found out it's the name of a
President Obama's approval rating is now at an
It's so bad that last night he gave his daughter
Sasha a ride to a friend's house and she asked
him to drop her off two blocks away.
Recipes sound good until you realize that you
don't have $846 worth of spices in your house.
Good to know that if they ever release a lion in
Walmart, you only have to run faster than the fat
lady with the zebra print pants on.
Law enforcement's cracking down on texting while
driving, but there's no law against standing up and
playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Playing Frisbee with a five year old is
amazingly similar to just running after a Frisbee
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Just watched two of my kids try and fail to open a cereal box
so I've concluded that playing Mozart during pregnancy is
The doctor just told my girlfriend and I that
the baby is coming early.
Like father, like son.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me
an extra boost during my workout today.
At grandma's. Which means this morning I woke
up at 8:45am and was still greeted with,
"Look who's finally up.
We thought you were dead!"