Wednesday, April 1, 2015



The average power nap is 20 minutes. 
This works out well because I can fit 3 of them evenly 
into one hour.  

Every time I hear about how Jesus was born in 
a manger, I think Mary and Joseph must have had the
same insurance plan I have....

At night I hear the voice of pie and sometimes 
ice cream calling to me from the fridge. 
Broccoli is strangely silent. 

My friend Sid has started calling himself S. 
He's had to, someone stole his ID. 

"Don't mention zits," my wife warned me just before 
our daughter joined us for breakfast. 
"She's got a huge one on her nose. 
We've already had tears and she's threatening not to 
go to school." 
"No worries," I replied. 
"I've got just the thing to take her mind of it." 
As Claire sat down, shielding her nose from me, 
I showed her my phone. 
Dave in work sent me a picture of his new puppy." 
Her face brightened up and she smiled, "Awww.. 
He's adorable! 
What's his name?" 

My home security system is just 
15 motion-activated Big Mouth Billy Basses. 

A woman walks into her doctor's office and says, 
"Doctor, I need to lose weight fast." 
And the doctor says, "Instead of putting food in your 
mouth, try putting it up your butt." 
Two months later she comes in and says, "Doctor, 
it's a dream come true. 
I'm half the size I was." 
But the doctor notices that she is bouncing up and 
down up and down... and he asks, "But where did you 
get this twitch?" 
The woman replies, "I don't have a nervous twitch, 
I'm chewing bubble gum." 

After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize 
America has much bigger problems than the 
national debt.

This vodka tastes strange, 
kinda like I'm not going to work tomorrow.