Thursday, April 30, 2015




The last one I heard was about going into a CVS and all 
that was left was suntan lotion and Father's Day cards.

There once was this guy who walked into a bar 
and ordered a counter-lunch. 
When his meal arrived he noticed a pile of peas 
on his plate. 
The man stares at them for a moment and than 
proceeds to tell the barman, "Gee, I haven't had 
a pea in forty years."
The barman then yells to the entire pub, 
"Quick, anyone who can't swim grab a chair!"

You Know you are Addicted to the Internet 
· You step out of your room and realize that your 
parents have moved, and you don't have a clue 
when it happened. 
· Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor 
to remind you of what she looks like. 
· All of your friends have an @ in their names. 
· Your dog has its own home page. 
· You can't call your mother... she doesn't have a 
· You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom 
and stop and check your e-mail on the way back 
to bed. 
· You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in 
keyboard and mouse. 
· You get a new suit that says, "This best viewed 
with Netscape 4.01 or higher." 
· The last girl you asked out was only a jpeg. 
· Your wife says communication is important in 
a marriage... so you buy another computer and 
install a second router so the two of you can 

If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her 
cereal, I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands 
of Cheerios raining on the floor. 

[bursts into garage]
"why is your car still on? you've been in here 
for 3 days"
i'm trying to kill myself
"but you drive an electric car"

 Political correctness has gone mad. 
Apparently you can't even have an argument with 
your wife these days without getting in trouble. 
She promised me I could have a beer soon, 
but after standing with her for nearly an hour I 
was no closer to it happening. 
That's when I said, "Right, you, me and your fat 
arse are out of here". 
Everyone around us gasped like they'd never 
heard something like that before. 
I was just about to tell them to mind their own
business when a man butted in and said, 
"You may now kiss the bride".

I recently found out should I ever need a bone marrow 
transplant my wife is a perfect match. 
Hope it keeps well in the freezer.....

I don't remember much about last night... 
but the fact that I needed sunglasses just to open the 
refrigerator this morning tells me it was awesome....

The patient says, "Doctor, I have a pain in my eye 
whenever I drink tea." 
 The doctor says, "Take the spoon out of the cup 
before you drink." 

The patient says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. 
Nobody ever listens to me. 
No one ever pays any attention to what I have to 
The doctor says, "Next, please."