The last one I heard was about going into a CVS and all
that was left was suntan lotion and Father's Day cards.
There once was this guy who walked into a bar
and ordered a counter-lunch.
When his meal arrived he noticed a pile of peas
on his plate.
The man stares at them for a moment and than
proceeds to tell the barman, "Gee, I haven't had
a pea in forty years."
The barman then yells to the entire pub,
"Quick, anyone who can't swim grab a chair!"
You Know you are Addicted to the Internet
· You step out of your room and realize that your
parents have moved, and you don't have a clue
when it happened.
· Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor
to remind you of what she looks like.
· All of your friends have an @ in their names.
· Your dog has its own home page.
· You can't call your mother... she doesn't have a
· You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom
and stop and check your e-mail on the way back
· You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in
keyboard and mouse.
· You get a new suit that says, "This best viewed
with Netscape 4.01 or higher."
· The last girl you asked out was only a jpeg.
· Your wife says communication is important in
a marriage... so you buy another computer and
install a second router so the two of you can
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her
cereal, I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands
of Cheerios raining on the floor.
[bursts into garage]
"why is your car still on? you've been in here
for 3 days"
i'm trying to kill myself
"but you drive an electric car"
Political correctness has gone mad.
Apparently you can't even have an argument with
your wife these days without getting in trouble.
She promised me I could have a beer soon,
but after standing with her for nearly an hour I
was no closer to it happening.
That's when I said, "Right, you, me and your fat
arse are out of here".
Everyone around us gasped like they'd never
heard something like that before.
I was just about to tell them to mind their own
business when a man butted in and said,
"You may now kiss the bride".
I recently found out should I ever need a bone marrow
transplant my wife is a perfect match.
Hope it keeps well in the freezer.....
I don't remember much about last night...
but the fact that I needed sunglasses just to open the
refrigerator this morning tells me it was awesome....
The patient says, "Doctor, I have a pain in my eye
whenever I drink tea."
The doctor says, "Take the spoon out of the cup
before you drink."
The patient says, "Doctor, you've got to help me.
Nobody ever listens to me.
No one ever pays any attention to what I have to
The doctor says, "Next, please."