Thursday, April 30, 2015




The last one I heard was about going into a CVS and all 
that was left was suntan lotion and Father's Day cards.

There once was this guy who walked into a bar 
and ordered a counter-lunch. 
When his meal arrived he noticed a pile of peas 
on his plate. 
The man stares at them for a moment and than 
proceeds to tell the barman, "Gee, I haven't had 
a pea in forty years."
The barman then yells to the entire pub, 
"Quick, anyone who can't swim grab a chair!"

You Know you are Addicted to the Internet 
· You step out of your room and realize that your 
parents have moved, and you don't have a clue 
when it happened. 
· Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor 
to remind you of what she looks like. 
· All of your friends have an @ in their names. 
· Your dog has its own home page. 
· You can't call your mother... she doesn't have a 
· You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom 
and stop and check your e-mail on the way back 
to bed. 
· You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in 
keyboard and mouse. 
· You get a new suit that says, "This best viewed 
with Netscape 4.01 or higher." 
· The last girl you asked out was only a jpeg. 
· Your wife says communication is important in 
a marriage... so you buy another computer and 
install a second router so the two of you can 

If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her 
cereal, I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands 
of Cheerios raining on the floor. 

[bursts into garage]
"why is your car still on? you've been in here 
for 3 days"
i'm trying to kill myself
"but you drive an electric car"

 Political correctness has gone mad. 
Apparently you can't even have an argument with 
your wife these days without getting in trouble. 
She promised me I could have a beer soon, 
but after standing with her for nearly an hour I 
was no closer to it happening. 
That's when I said, "Right, you, me and your fat 
arse are out of here". 
Everyone around us gasped like they'd never 
heard something like that before. 
I was just about to tell them to mind their own
business when a man butted in and said, 
"You may now kiss the bride".

I recently found out should I ever need a bone marrow 
transplant my wife is a perfect match. 
Hope it keeps well in the freezer.....

I don't remember much about last night... 
but the fact that I needed sunglasses just to open the 
refrigerator this morning tells me it was awesome....

The patient says, "Doctor, I have a pain in my eye 
whenever I drink tea." 
 The doctor says, "Take the spoon out of the cup 
before you drink." 

The patient says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. 
Nobody ever listens to me. 
No one ever pays any attention to what I have to 
The doctor says, "Next, please."  


Wednesday, April 29, 2015



Bobby goes to see his psychiatrist Dr. Smith and says to him, 
"Doc, I am getting a terrible dream time and again."
Dr. Smith asks him, "What do you see in your dream?"
Booby replies, "I see myself as a sadist, necrophilic and 
beastialist. Is it cause for concern or am I beating a dead 

Whenever I have a panic attack.... 
I put a brown paper bag over my mouth...and drink all the
whiskey inside.
 It seems to help. 

After a round of golf.....
Two friends are in the locker room getting dressed. 
One man sees his friend putting on a bra, panties and a girdle. 
He's shocked and asked, "how long have you been wearing those?" 
the other replies, " since my wife found them in my glove box."

I see a couple of police cars were wrecked during 
last night's riots in Baltimore. 
Rather short-sighted of the black community, 
ruining their best method of public transportation like that. 

In related news...
biologists have discovered a new species of snail. 
Apparently they migrate by letting themselves be 
eaten by birds, and then they're later "shit" out 
somewhere else. 
Still sounds better than flying with Southwest 
(no, that's EXACTLY like flying southwest... )

Ask not what you can do for your country, 
ask what’s for lunch.

Thanks for warning me to be careful after I 
slipped & fell. 
I'll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test 
results at your funeral. 

The only real difference between my 20s and 30s 
is that now I make all my bad decisions before 

An old man was relaxing at his hundredth 
birthday party when a reporter went up to him. 
"Sir, what is the secret of your long life?"
The man considered this for a moment, then 
replied, "Every evening at 9 p.m. 
I have a glass of port. 
Good for the heart I've heard."
The reporter then asked, "That's ALL?"
The man smiled, "Well, canceling my voyage on 
Titanic sure didn't hurt."

“The poor speller tried to express his reluctance to repeat 
sixth grade, but words failed him.”


Tuesday, April 28, 2015


Fun prank: tell your kid World War II ended by the Americans 
dropping an F-bomb on Japan. 
Then later when his teacher calls, act shocked. 

 New Neighbor: Hi, I'm Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I'm Spencer; I'll be looking in your window and judging 
your decorating choices. 

My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, "DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!"
I'm considering twerking to Ace of Base later. 

Gus Hangs a sign on front door that says "Robbery in progress 
Please do not disturb" to deter burglars...

People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western 
world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.  

The dean of women at an exclusive girl's college was lecturing 
her students on sexual morality.
"In moments of temptation," said the speaker to the class, 
"ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth 
a lifetime of shame?"
A sweet young thing in the back of the room rose to ask: 
"How do you
make it last an hour?"

Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing 
sun all day without catching a single one. 
On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered 
four catfish. 
He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw 
them at me, will you?" 
"Why do you want me to throw them at you?" 
"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them." 
"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy." 
"But why?" 
"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you 
came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. 
She prefers that for supper tonight." 

Rosy said to her husband Dave, "You know sweetheart, 
you are like a lawn-mower?"
Dave said, "Now where did that come from? 
What do you mean?"
Rosy replied, "It's difficult to get you started, 
you release stinking odors, and you don't work most 
of the times."

Jessica was testifying in court with regards to a case she had 
filed for molestation.
She said, "It was late at night, and I was in this dark alley, 
when he grabbed me from behind, and tore my short dress. 
He pulled down my undies and bent me over a box...
I can't even remember what happened after that...!"
Judge Simmons, panting by now, said, 
"Make something up, will you!!"

Mrs. Reed mourned the death of her husband, John Reed. 
On his tombstone, she got the words "Rest in Peace" engraved.
After a few days, when late John's will was read to her, she 
found that he had left all his money to his mistress, Joanna.
Enraged, she approached the carver to make changes to the 
When the carver told her it could not be done..
Mrs. Reed said, "All right, can you at least add \
'Till We Meet Again.'"

What do you get if you boil funny bones? 
A laughing stock.


Monday, April 27, 2015



I don't care about global warming! 
Who cares if my kids never see a Polar Bear. 
 I never saw a dinosaur, and I'm fine. 

 I've never had a better karate instructor than a 
spider web....

2 men went into business together they decided 
they would sell watermelons by the roadside. 
One would buy the watermelons from the 
farmers for $1 each and the other would sell 
them in his truck for $1 each. 
Weeks and weeks went by where they would buy 
them at $1 each and turn around and sell them 
for $1. 
Finally, one of them turns to the other and says, 
"you know, I don't think we are making any 
The other thinks about it and responds, 
"You know something, you are right! 
Do you think we need a bigger truck?" 

 I want a firsthand test of the "mo money, 
mo problems" hypothesis. 

Sees Salvation Army bell ringer*
"Here you go, buddy. Merry Christmas!"
"Sir, we don't accept children."
 *runs away* 

Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking 
a 20 minute break. 

The CEO of a Fortune 500 corporation is fired by 
his board after too many quarters of slow growth.
As he is in his office cleaning out his desk, his 
replacement arrives. 
The new CEO shakes hands with his predecessor 
and asks "Sounds like you have had a tough ride.  
Any helpful advise as I step in?" 
The outgoing CEO gives him a big smile and says 
"Not only do I... But I have done it already in the 
form of the three envelopes you will find in the 
top desk drawer. 
There is timely advice for you in each of them. 
Just open them in order as you feel the need." 
In the months that follow, things continue to go 
poorly for the hapless corporation and finally, 
one evening, the new CEO finally decides that he 
should open envelope #1.  
He removes it from his desk and opens the letter 
It reads "Clean house! 
Change all of your systems and procedures! 
Push the power of innovation!" 
A few more months pass an quarterly sales are 
continuing to plummet along with profits. 
Close to wits end the new CEO grabs for the 
envelope #2. 
It's message: "Restructure! Downsize! 
Outsource everything!" 
A few more months and the downward spiral 
The new CEO is out of ideas and, in desperation, 
goes to the desk for envelope #3. 
He rips it open and reads the message: 
"Prepare three envelopes"...

*found in the netflix horror section*
 "Mary has a secret that'll TEAR YOU APART"
 Movie name: Mary piranha....

Two little squirrels were walking along in the 
The first one spied a nut and cried out, "Oh, look! 
A nut!" 
The second squirrel jumped on it and said, 
"Its my nut!"
The first squirrel said, "That?s not fair! I saw it 
"Well, you may have seen it, but I have it," 
argued the second.
At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, 
"You shouldn't quarrel. 
Let me resolve this dispute." 
The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer 
squirrel said, "Now, give me the nut." 
He broke the nut in half, and handed half to each 
squirrel, saying, "See? It was foolish of you to 
Now the dispute is resolved."
Then he reached over and said, "And for my fee, 
I'll take both halves, please." 

My wife likes to talk during sex..... 
so she calls me from the hotel room. 


Sunday, April 26, 2015



Some might say I peed my pants. 
I like to say I voided my bladder into my trousers like the 
classy refined gentleman that I am. 

Not sure why the wife is only mad at me.
The 4 year old forgot her birthday too. 

As a kid, I didn't want to get caught misbehaving by my parents. 
Now I'm a parent and don't want to get caught by my kids. 

One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every 
time I get invited to something I don't want to do. 

 I don’t drink water, unless it’s been through a brewery first. 

Walk like an Egyptian is a song, but also a sure fire way to 
make it safely through a bad neighborhood. 

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? 
Me: Because no body liked you in high school, and then you 
caught me speeding. 

Maybe your jeans are distressed because you're wearing them? 

Don't worry about choosing between a job you love & one 
that pays money because you won't be able to find either. 

I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me 
for a date. 
Then I realized it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand. 

I'm gonna put a Whoopee Cushion on the front of my car so 
that if I hit anything it'd at least be a little funny.