A WASP LANDED ON MY BARE FOOT AND NOW
I KNOW HOW TO RIVERDANCE.
Well this is awkward.
Apparently when my wife's friend invited me over
for a play-date... I was supposed to bring my kids.
My body is a temple, but it's one of those temples in
Thailand where they let monkeys crap all over the place.
When co-workers ask if the photos on my desk are
my kids, I like to say, "No, they're Dan's from
accounting, but they're so cute!"
A ladies magazine told me to compliment my
So I told her I was glad it wasn't hairy.
I need a place to stay......
My girlfriend said we can't hang out this
weekend because she doesn't exist.
Who invented Bull Riding?
Hey, I'm gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed
off animal....Time me.
I'm not saying she's fat, but if I was to pick five
of the fattest people I know, she'd be three of them.
I quit my job today!!
The money from that Nigerian king arrives
tomorrow, I'm so excited.....
We're all refreshed and challenged by
your unique point of view.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't
mean you're an artist.
I am going to make millions when I finally
finish developing this iPhone app that tells you when
the traffic light turns green.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet
it's hard to pronounce.
Any connection between your reality and mine is
I like you.
You remind me of when I was young and stupid.