Friday, March 6, 2015



The Vatican has unveiled a email address for the new Pope. 
In related news, the Pope has received a confidential financial 
offer from the President of Nigeria.

Harry Truman was known for his blunt manner of speaking. 
When he made a speech at the Washington Garden Club, 
he kept referring to the "good manure" that needed to be used 
on the flowers.
Some society women complained to his wife, Bess. 
"Couldn't you get the President to say 'fertilizer'?" they asked.
Mrs. Truman replied, "Heavens, no! 
It took me twenty-five years to get him to say 'manure.'" 

Thou shalt not weigh more than the refrigerator.

While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, 
memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out 
for his first pint. 
Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage. 
I got him a Guinness..... He didn't like it, so I drank it. 
Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I 
drank it. 
Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager? 
He didn't....... I drank it. 
I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried 
a Jameson's, nope! 
In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast,Ireland's finest. 
He wouldn't even smell it. 
What could I do but drink it! 
By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so 
shit-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home....

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

“C’mon Ma you have got to try it” I pleaded... 
to my elderly Mother. 
I don’t know how my Mother lasted this long without ever 
using the internet, but enough was enough! I thought. 
“Ok” she said reluctantly settling down by the computer and 
slowly putting on her reading glasses “what do I do now?” 
“Now I’m going to open the home page of google”, I explained. 
“OK here it is! Now type in ANY question you want into the 
bar over here and you will find an answer to your question.” 
I confidently assured her. 
My Mother looked at me warily, thought for a second, and 
slowly began to type,..... 
How is Gertrude doing this morning? 

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Customer: "Waiter, waiter! What’s this fly doing in my soup?"
Waiter: "Looks like the backstroke sir."

Patient: "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor: "One hundred percent. 
Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the 
disease you have. 
"Yours is the tenth case I've treated; the others all died."

Man looking to get across a river 
the man is on one side of the river, and sees a 
blonde on the other side. 
The man shouts across, "Whoo hoo over there, 
how do I get to the other side?" 
The blonde looks up the river, and down the river 
and replies, "You're on the other side." 

For Sale: Golden Retriever..... 
Had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve any gold. 
Should just bought metal detector! Unbelievable.