Tuesday, March 24, 2015



Three guys at a bar, one guy says, " I'm an astronaut and I drive 
a Saturn." 
The second guy says, "I'm a pimp and I drive a cheap escort". 
The third guy says, I have you both beat. 
I'm a proctologist and I drive a brown probe.

What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your

What the hell is this REstraining Order?!? 
I never even got a Straining Order?! 
I'm gonna go over to her house and sort this out. 

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions
 I had about you.

Cops got new drunk driving tests. 
There's one they pull out a wallet-size photo of 
Whoopi Goldberg & ask you, 'Is she attractive?' 

I wonder if Captain America ever 
borrows money from Captain China. 

It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of 
 Karma to burn off.

You sound reasonable. 
Time to up my medication.

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being 

Just once I'd like to see a celebrity show up to the red carpet 
in jeans and be like, "Oh, was this today? 
"I was just in the neighborhood." 

I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a 
 message . 

I don't work here. 
I'm a consultant.
Who me? I just wander from room to room.