Saturday, March 21, 2015

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A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for 
speeders, but was not getting many.
Then, he discovered the problem; a 10 year old 
boy was standing up the road with a hand painted 
sign which read, "SPEED TRAP AHEAD".
The officer then found a young accomplice down 
the road with a sign painted "TIPS" and a bucket 
of change.

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Found a bag of weed in my son's bedroom, and was 
absolutely horrified! 
The damn thing was practically all stems and seeds.

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The first thing that struck me was the stunning  
beauty of the woman in the next car. 
The second thing that struck me was my wife’s fist.

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During the bank robbery, I was the one who 
heroically soiled himself & cried in order to 
incapacitate the robbers with laughter.  

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They must have had a really good laugh when  
doctors realized that thermometers could be 
taken orally too. 

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I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story 
every single night until I started randomly killing 
off characters to amuse myself. 

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Narcissist? Let's just calm down with the 
big words and keep this conversation about me. 

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I don't mind meeting her parents. 
It's her husband I have always been avoiding.

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Weed is not a drug, its a plant. 
Therefore, I'm not a drug dealer, I'm a florist....

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Sadly learned my family is racist.  
I started dating a black girl. 
Brought her home to meet my family, but the 
wife and kids wouldn't talk to her.

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Wife left a note on the fridge saying, "It's not 
working, gone to my mom's." 
I opened it, and opened a beer, it's cold, the fridge 
works fine. 

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