Saturday, March 21, 2015



A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for 
speeders, but was not getting many.
Then, he discovered the problem; a 10 year old 
boy was standing up the road with a hand painted 
sign which read, "SPEED TRAP AHEAD".
The officer then found a young accomplice down 
the road with a sign painted "TIPS" and a bucket 
of change.

Found a bag of weed in my son's bedroom, and was 
absolutely horrified! 
The damn thing was practically all stems and seeds.

The first thing that struck me was the stunning  
beauty of the woman in the next car. 
The second thing that struck me was my wife’s fist.

During the bank robbery, I was the one who 
heroically soiled himself & cried in order to 
incapacitate the robbers with laughter.  

They must have had a really good laugh when  
doctors realized that thermometers could be 
taken orally too. 

I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story 
every single night until I started randomly killing 
off characters to amuse myself. 

Narcissist? Let's just calm down with the 
big words and keep this conversation about me. 

I don't mind meeting her parents. 
It's her husband I have always been avoiding.

Weed is not a drug, its a plant. 
Therefore, I'm not a drug dealer, I'm a florist....

Sadly learned my family is racist.  
I started dating a black girl. 
Brought her home to meet my family, but the 
wife and kids wouldn't talk to her.

Wife left a note on the fridge saying, "It's not 
working, gone to my mom's." 
I opened it, and opened a beer, it's cold, the fridge 
works fine.