Sunday, March 22, 2015



PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. 
The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems 
to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago 
and now I'm worried the spiders are coming after 
me with no headaches and renewed vigor. 

My wife said she wished she never woke up 
this morning. 
Turns out we do have something in common.....

Turkey bacon is a lot like normal bacon except  

Saw someone try and park a car for about  
10 minutes. 
I didn't see the person so I’m not going to assume 
what gender she was. 

I ate one of those artisan pizzas and now..
I can't stop painting my bathroom. 

They say that not 'cleaning your plate' 
is the best way to lose weight. 
I haven’t done dishes in months but I’m still 
up 20 pounds.

Top Ten Signs Your Neighbor Is in the Mafia
10. He seems to do really well for a guy who runs 
a candy store that's open one or two hours a day.. 
9. His partner in the neighborhood 3-legged race:
 Vincent "The Chin" Gigante. 
 8. For his son's birthday, buys him a U.S. senator..
 7. Your tomato plants keep getting singed by the 
cars exploding in his driveway 
 6. Tuesday: paper boy misses porch; Wednesday: 
paper boy gets "iced" 
 5. All his anecdotes end with, "So I blew his head 
 4. Two goons show up and make your wife reveal 
the family recipe for apple crisp 
 3. At their Halloween party, they bob for mob 
 2. After having an argument with his kid, your 
kid wakes up with the head of Tickle Me Elmo on 
his pillow.. 
 1. His lawn gnome is riddled with bullet holes.. 

Was glancing through the Obituaries this morning 
and found it really creepy that all these people 
managed to die in alphabetical order. 

Bob was sitting at the table one morning, reading 
the paper after breakfast. 
He came across an article about a beautiful 
actress who was about to marry a football player 
known for his lack of IQ. 
He turned to his wife and said, 
"I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get 
the most attractive wives." 
She replied, "Why, thank you, Dear!" 

I smiled and waved at my neighbor....  
so I bet the first thing she'll do today is buy 
bedroom curtains.