••
♥
PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n.
The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems
to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
••
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago
and now I'm worried the spiders are coming after
me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
••
My wife said she wished she never woke up
this morning.
Turns out we do have something in common.....
••
Turkey bacon is a lot like normal bacon except
that IT'S NOT AND IT NEEDS TO GO BACK TO
HELL, WHERE IT CAME FROM!
••
Saw someone try and park a car for about
10 minutes.
I didn't see the person so I’m not going to assume
what gender she was.
••
I ate one of those artisan pizzas and now..
I can't stop painting my bathroom.
••
They say that not 'cleaning your plate'
is the best way to lose weight.
I haven’t done dishes in months but I’m still
up 20 pounds.
••
Top Ten Signs Your Neighbor Is in the Mafia
10. He seems to do really well for a guy who runs
a candy store that's open one or two hours a day..
9. His partner in the neighborhood 3-legged race:
Vincent "The Chin" Gigante.
8. For his son's birthday, buys him a U.S. senator..
7. Your tomato plants keep getting singed by the
cars exploding in his driveway
6. Tuesday: paper boy misses porch; Wednesday:
paper boy gets "iced"
5. All his anecdotes end with, "So I blew his head
off"
4. Two goons show up and make your wife reveal
the family recipe for apple crisp
3. At their Halloween party, they bob for mob
informants..
2. After having an argument with his kid, your
kid wakes up with the head of Tickle Me Elmo on
his pillow..
1. His lawn gnome is riddled with bullet holes..
••
Was glancing through the Obituaries this morning
and found it really creepy that all these people
managed to die in alphabetical order.
••
Bob was sitting at the table one morning, reading
the paper after breakfast.
He came across an article about a beautiful
actress who was about to marry a football player
known for his lack of IQ.
He turned to his wife and said,
"I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get
the most attractive wives."
She replied, "Why, thank you, Dear!"
••
I smiled and waved at my neighbor....
so I bet the first thing she'll do today is buy
bedroom curtains.
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