One day I hope to be rich enough where I don't
feel compelled to refill my fountain soda before I
leave a fast food establishment.
"I am a Paramedic, recently I was called to
a scene where a man in his late 60s had died and
obviously been there a couple of days.
We searched for any sign of trauma.... None.
We looked for anything that might indicate a
medical problem... heart meds etc..... None.
The only medicine we found: Viagra.
About that time the coroner arrived (a strikingly
pretty gal) who asked me, "How long has he been
I replied a couple of days, she said, "Oh so he is
I handed her the Viagra bottle and said,
"In more ways than one..."
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she
looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10
Nothing's deader than the eyes of a Burger King
employee who can no longer bring themselves
to correct people who order "McNuggets"
My Girlfriend wanted a cat.
I didn't want a cat.
So we compromised and we got a cat.......
I've started picking up dudes by walking in
Starbucks and "accidentally" dropping my recipe
for bacon tacos.
"We can lick gravity, but sometimes the
paperwork is overwhelming."
- Wernher von Braun
"Daddy, do butterflies have really small penises?"
Parenting books didn't prepare me for that.
And I am NOT Googling "butterfly dicks."
I grew up terrified of ear wigs because I thought
they came out of your ears.
Imagine how scared I was when I heard about
I think when a transvestite goes missing
their face should appear on a carton of half & half.
NSA concerned the tooth fairy has enough DNA
samples to create a clone army and take over the
"this is a real threat," says NSA guy....