Friday, March 27, 2015




My morning commute was hectic today.
I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. 
I made it to the couch safely though. 

This twitter thing should be a piece of cake...
I've married for 19 years, I'm used to talking and not getting 
a response. 

Junior high schools have a zero tolerance policy on name 
calling, so a teacher had a concern when a student complained 
another student had called him the "E" word.
 "E" word? the teacher asked, puzzled as she could not think 
of single bad name beginning with E.
The student lowered his voice and muttered, "idiot"

A Texan, while visiting Toronto, found himself in the back seat 
of a taxi cab on the way to his hotel. 
Passing by the Royal York the Texan asked the cab driver, 
"What's that building there?" 
"That's the Royal York Hotel," replied the cabbie. 
"The Royal York? How long did it take to build that?" 
asked the Texan. 
"About 12 years," replied the cabbie.
"12 years? We build 'em twice as high, twice as wide and 
four times as long down in Texas, and we do that in six 
A while later the cab driver makes his way past the 
Metro-Toronto Convention Centre. 
"What's that building over there?" asked the Texan. 
"That's the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre,"
 replied the cabbie. 
"Convention Centre? How long'd it take to build that?" 
asked the Texan. 
"About three years," replied the cabbie. 
"Three years? We build 'em twice as high, three times as long 
and four times as wide as that down in Texas, and it only takes 
us about two weeks."
Shortly thereafter the cabbie drives past the CN Tower. 
"What's that building there?" asks the Texan, pointing at the 
"Danged if I know," replied the cabbie, "It wasn't here when 
I drove by yesterday."

Two policemen call the station on their radio. 
 "Hello. ..... Is this the Sarge?" 
 "We have a case here, Sarge. 
A woman has shot her husband dead for stepping on the 
floor she had mopped." 
"Have you arrested the woman?" 
"No sir. The floor is still wet." 

How do Amish guys know if its a romantic 
candlelit dinner, or just regular dinner? 

Sometimes as I’m getting off a crowded elevator  
I like to turn & look at someone who’s staying on
and say, “you’re in charge while I’m gone.” 

This donut scented car air freshener is going to 
pay for itself next time I get pulled over. 

After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one 
night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room. 
Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically. 
He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and 
he was sure he was going to die.
No amount of talking was helping. His father, in an attempt to 
calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and 
pretended to pull it from Sammy's ear. 
Sammy was delighted.
In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed it, 
then cheerfully demanded, "Do it again, Daddy, do it again!!!" 

You're so vain, you probably think  me driving by 
your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black 
with binoculars is about you, don't you? 

Man in hospital with Hoover a stuck up his bottom - 
Doctors say he’s picking up nicely....