Sunday, March 8, 2015


I’m just like any other person who wants an 
honest months pay for a decent days work. 

One day an older fella was in for a checkup.
After his examination, his doctor was amazed.
"Holy cow! Mr. Edwards, I must say that you are 
in the greatest shape of any 64 year old I have 
ever examined!"
"Did I say I was 64?"
"Well, no, did I read your chart wrong?"
"Damn straight you did! I'm 85!"
"85!! Unbelievable! You would be in great shape 
if you were 25!
How old was your father when he died?"
"Did I say he was dead?"
"You mean..."
"Damn straight! He's 106 and going strong!"
"My Lord! What a healthy family you must come 
How long did your grandfather live?"
"Did I say he was dead?"
"No! You can't mean..."
"Damn straight! He's 126, and getting married 
next week!"
"126! Truly amazing, Mr. Edwards. 
But gee, I wouldn't think a man would want to 
get married at that age!"
"Did I say he 'wanted' to get married?..."

I got hurt while studying abroad. 
Her husband didn't like it. 

I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds 
"by mouth" on the prescription label. 

If bank website ads have taught me anything, 
it's that white people love drinking coffee as they 
pay bills online in an empty loft apartment. 

I think my wife is a magician. 
She can produce four different arguments out of 
one single glance at a pair of tits.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but 
my boss only gets mad when I don't come to work.

Taking "Amateur Night" Too Far:
In Betulia, Colombia, an annual festival
in November includes five days of amateur 
This year, no bull was killed, but dozens of 
matadors were injured, including one gored in
the head and one Bobbittized. 
Said one participant, "It's just one bull
against [a town of] a thousand morons." 

I bet the guy that was looking forward to his next 
life and came back reincarnated as me is really 

Grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor
Wife walks in: "WHAT HAPPENED?" 
"A burglar came in right when I was about to 
clean the house" 

Did you hear about the disaster at a major U.S. 
The scientists were cloning monkeys and one of 
them blew up. 
The scientist are trying to determine what went 
wrong by sifting through the Rhesus' pieces.