Sunday, March 1, 2015



If Reese Witherspoon married Bill Withers ....
...she'd have to give up the poon.

"Ever since we got married... 
my wife has tried to change me. 
She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around 
until all hours of the night. 
She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, 
gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the 
stock market." 
"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you 
so drastically," remarked his friend. 
"I'm not bitter. 
Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me." 

One time I met David Hasselhoff. 
I said "could I please get your autograph Mr Hasslehoff?, 
I'm a huge fan" he signed it for me but said "These days I 
prefer to just be called 'The Hoff', though". 
I was a bit star struck so just took the autograph and said 
"sure, no hassle."

An old cowboy was in a saloon. 
He finishes his beer and head out the swinging doors. 
When he gets outside, he sees that someone has painted his 
horse's balls blue. 
So, now he is really pissed and goes stomping back in to the 
He stands in the middle of the room and yells out "what lousy, 
yellow bellied bastard painted my horse's balls blue?" 
All the other customers not wanting any trouble, sort of put 
their head down and face the other way. 
So, now he is thoroughly pissed and yells out, "Dammit, 
this is your last chance. 
What dirty son of a whore painted my horse's balls blue?" 
All of a sudden the biggest man he has ever seen stands up. 
He was 6 foot 5, and 250 pounds of solid muscle. 
The big mans says "I did, what are you going to do about it?" 
Ummm, nothing. 
I just came in to tell you he's ready for the second coat. 

A man in Orange County Municipal Court had 
been ticketed for driving alone in the carpool lane. 
He claimed that the Four frozen cadavers in the mortuary van 
he was driving should be counted. 
The judge ruled that passengers must be alive 
to qualify. 

What's the point of making people... 
like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they're not 
going to joust? 

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe 
to cross the street. 
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged 
coworker of mine(a blonde), when she asked if I 
knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the 
light is red.
She responded, appalled "What on earth are blind 
people doing driving?"

Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to 
thinking about things.
"Mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" 
he asked his mother.
"He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for 
coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness.
Johnny thought for a second and said, 
"I'm glad you don't do any thinking. 
You would look silly without hair." 

The Holocaust was an obscene period in our 
nation's history...this century's history...
We all lived in this century. 
I didn't live in this century.
 -- Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and 
Republican vice-presidentin candidate 

After seeing a commercial for Toddlers In Tiaras, 
I realise Darth Vader wasn't the worst parent ever.