••
♥
I used to think air was free...
until I bought a bag of potato chips.
••
In their ad Life Alert says they save a person
from catastrophe every ten minutes.
I can't even imagine how bad that person's life must be. \
••
Stepped on an action figure in the shower and
simultaneously invented six new cuss words in
four different languages.
••
My GF spent $49 on a haircut.
Had she gone to Petsmart she'd have gotten an
ear cleaning, anal gland extraction and a free
bandana as well.
••
Everybody's talking about the super obnoxious
drunk guy at the bar last night.
I was at that same bar and I didn't even notice
him.
••
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as
realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for
looting.
Make up your mind, bro.
••
[at the mall]
"Excuse me? I lost my son.
May I please make an announcement?"
"Of course."
[leans in to mic]
"So long, you little shit."
••
I want my tombstone to read: "Don't feel too bad
he really liked sleeping".
••••
