I used to think air was free...
until I bought a bag of potato chips.
In their ad Life Alert says they save a person
from catastrophe every ten minutes.
I can't even imagine how bad that person's life must be. \
Stepped on an action figure in the shower and
simultaneously invented six new cuss words in
four different languages.
My GF spent $49 on a haircut.
Had she gone to Petsmart she'd have gotten an
ear cleaning, anal gland extraction and a free
bandana as well.
Everybody's talking about the super obnoxious
drunk guy at the bar last night.
I was at that same bar and I didn't even notice
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as
realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for
Make up your mind, bro.
[at the mall]
"Excuse me? I lost my son.
May I please make an announcement?"
[leans in to mic]
"So long, you little shit."
I want my tombstone to read: "Don't feel too bad
he really liked sleeping".