Thursday, March 12, 2015



I used to think air was free...
until I bought a bag of potato chips. 

In their ad Life Alert says they save a person 
from catastrophe every ten minutes.
I can't even imagine how bad that person's life must be. \

Stepped on an action figure in the shower and 
simultaneously invented six new cuss words in 
four different languages. 

My GF spent $49 on a haircut. 
Had she gone to Petsmart she'd have gotten an 
ear cleaning, anal gland extraction and a free 
bandana as well. 

Everybody's talking about the super obnoxious  
drunk guy at the bar last night. 
I was at that same bar and I didn't even notice 

My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as  
realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for 
Make up your mind, bro. 

[at the mall]  
"Excuse me? I lost my son. 
May I please make an announcement?" 
"Of course." 
 [leans in to mic] 
 "So long, you little shit." 

I want my tombstone to read: "Don't feel too bad 
he really liked sleeping".