Friday, March 20, 2015




I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.
She seemed surprised.

All I did was compliment a coworker on their 
fantastic mustache, and now I'm in the HR office. 
Thanks a lot, Megan! 

My mom just replied to my text with "K."  
Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency 
over on FarmVille? 

Sue said; When I was young I wanted to date a 
doctor for money. 
Can you believe how superficial I was?!? 
Now I would date him for the prescriptions. 

Ever noticed that glass tastes like blood?

I wonder if any Disney managers ever start THEIR 
meeting off with "What kind of Mickey Mouse 
operation are we running around here?" 

If my company really wanted us to move during a 
fire drill, they'd lose the alarm and just announce 
that there's free food by the stairs.

I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my 
arms crossed. 
The manager thought I worked there and gave 
me a raise. 

Red Adair walked into an Aberdonian pub after 
two weeks spent putting out a fire in a North Sea 
oil well. 
He ordered a pint of heavy and found a table. 
The man sitting next to him immediately noticed 
that this rugged-looking elderly fellow was indeed
an American and said: 
"I've been to the States myself, you know. 
I went there last year." 
"Oh really..." our oil rig hero said in a rather tired 
"Aye, I spent a month in California. 
One night I went to a concert with a famous 
country singer called Benny Rogers, and..." 
"Surely you must mean KENNY Rogers," 
Red said, looking at the ceiling. 
"Aye, that's right. 
Anyway, he sang a duet with a bonnie lass called 
Polly Darton." 
It's DOLLY PARTON, not Polly Darton." 
Red was not in the friendliest of moods now. 
The Scot realized that he was making a fool of 
himself and tried a change of topic: 
"Haven't I seen you on TV? 
You're quite famous, aren't you?" 
This made old Red cheer up: 
"Indeed you have. 
I'm Red Adair!" he said with a grin. 
"Red Adair?! 
The REAL Red Adair? 
So, are you still married to Ginger Rogers?" 

My psychiatrist says we need to work on my  
intimacy issues but then he's always the one who 
refuses to snuggle with me on his couch.