I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.
She seemed surprised.
All I did was compliment a coworker on their
fantastic mustache, and now I'm in the HR office.
Thanks a lot, Megan!
My mom just replied to my text with "K."
Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency
over on FarmVille?
Sue said; When I was young I wanted to date a
doctor for money.
Can you believe how superficial I was?!?
Now I would date him for the prescriptions.
Ever noticed that glass tastes like blood?
I wonder if any Disney managers ever start THEIR
meeting off with "What kind of Mickey Mouse
operation are we running around here?"
If my company really wanted us to move during a
fire drill, they'd lose the alarm and just announce
that there's free food by the stairs.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my
The manager thought I worked there and gave
me a raise.
Red Adair walked into an Aberdonian pub after
two weeks spent putting out a fire in a North Sea
He ordered a pint of heavy and found a table.
The man sitting next to him immediately noticed
that this rugged-looking elderly fellow was indeed
an American and said:
"I've been to the States myself, you know.
I went there last year."
"Oh really..." our oil rig hero said in a rather tired
"Aye, I spent a month in California.
One night I went to a concert with a famous
country singer called Benny Rogers, and..."
"Surely you must mean KENNY Rogers,"
Red said, looking at the ceiling.
"Aye, that's right.
Anyway, he sang a duet with a bonnie lass called
It's DOLLY PARTON, not Polly Darton."
Red was not in the friendliest of moods now.
The Scot realized that he was making a fool of
himself and tried a change of topic:
"Haven't I seen you on TV?
You're quite famous, aren't you?"
This made old Red cheer up:
"Indeed you have.
I'm Red Adair!" he said with a grin.
The REAL Red Adair?
So, are you still married to Ginger Rogers?"
My psychiatrist says we need to work on my
intimacy issues but then he's always the one who
refuses to snuggle with me on his couch.