I tell people I'm narcoleptic, so if I fall asleep
when they're talking to me I don't seem rude.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we
watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea
for a cool new episode.
I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill.
Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they
had in mind.....
I suck at video games. I mess up the character's
life like I have my own.
I played Mario today and he ended up $60K in
debt and had 4 DUIs.
Girlfriend: Ok.. you hang up :-)
Boyfriend: No.. You hang up first :-)
Girlfriend: no.. you first
Boyfriend: No... you first
NSA: Why don't both of you hang up.
After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Rick woke up to
find himself next to a really ugly woman.
That's when he realized he had made it home safely.
When my 2 year-old throws a temper tantrum,
I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her
with massive national debt & a destroyed
Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week.
Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get
her off the Ferris wheel.
Anyone who says their wedding day was the best
day of their life, has never had 2 candy bars fall
down at once from a vending machine.
My little old fish didn't move around in her
bowl all day.
I thought she was dead but it turns out she was
just going through minnow pause .....
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend's
dad came in.
Now I have to pretend like something is dead in
the walls and help him look.