Saturday, March 14, 2015



I tell people I'm narcoleptic, so if I fall asleep 
when they're talking to me I don't seem rude. 

My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we 
watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea
for a cool new episode. 

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. 
Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they 
had in mind.....

I suck at video games. I mess up the character's 
life like I have my own. 
I played Mario today and he ended up $60K in 
debt and had 4 DUIs. 

Girlfriend: Ok.. you hang up :-)  
Boyfriend: No.. You hang up first :-) 
Girlfriend: no.. you first 
Boyfriend: No... you first 
NSA: Why don't both of you hang up.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Rick woke up to
find himself next to a really ugly woman. 
That's when he realized he had made it home safely. 

When my 2 year-old throws a temper tantrum, 
I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her
with massive national debt & a destroyed 

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. 
Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get 
her off the Ferris wheel. 

Anyone who says their wedding day was the best  
day of their life, has never had 2 candy bars fall 
down at once from a vending machine. 

My little old fish didn't move around in her 
bowl all day. 
I thought she was dead but it turns out she was 
just going through minnow pause .....

I farted alone in a room and then  my girlfriend's 
dad came in. 
Now I have to pretend like something is dead in 
the walls and help him look.