I said to my mother-in-law.........
"My house is your house."
"She said okay, then get the hell off my property!"
I ate one of those artisan pizzas and now
I can't stop painting my bathroom.
Two friends met in the street.
"Where are you coming from?" asked Ted.
"The cemetery," answered Jim "I just buried my mother-in-law."
"Oh, I'm sorry. But what are those scratches on your face?"
"She put up one helluva fight."
It might be a sign you have a drinking problem
when the cashier at the liquor store asks if you
own a bar.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a
gas station, it's not appropriate for court.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is
thicker than blood, so, technically pancakes are
more important than family.
My wife just bought a $50 bottle of shampoo.
So guys, party at my house this weekend because
apparently we won the lottery!
Of course I can keep a secret.
It's the people I tell it to that can't.
I forget what I used to do with my arms before I
got my iPhone.
Did I hang them down by my side?
Straight above my head? I really forget.
It takes a village to raise a child so I dropped
the kids off at my neighbors house with a note:
Not sure if you'll like golf?
Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun
lamp, then throw away $75 when you're done.