Thursday, March 19, 2015



I said to my mother-in-law.........
"My house is your house." 
"She said okay, then get the hell off my property!"

I ate one of those artisan pizzas and now 
I can't stop painting my bathroom.

Two friends met in the street.
"Where are you coming from?" asked Ted. 
"The cemetery," answered Jim "I just buried my mother-in-law." 
"Oh, I'm sorry. But what are those scratches on your face?" 
"She put up one helluva fight."

It might be a sign you have a drinking problem 
when the cashier at the liquor store asks if you 
own a bar.

If your entire outfit can be purchased at a 
gas station, it's not appropriate for court.

Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is  
thicker than blood, so, technically pancakes are 
more important than family.

My wife just bought a $50 bottle of shampoo. 
So guys, party at my house this weekend because 
apparently we won the lottery! 

Of course I can keep a secret. 
It's the people I tell it to that can't.

I forget what I used to do with my arms before I 
got my iPhone. 
Did I hang them down by my side? 
Straight above my head? I really forget.

It takes a village to raise a child so I dropped 
the kids off at my neighbors house with a note: 
"your turn"...... 

Not sure if you'll like golf?
Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun 
lamp, then throw away $75 when you're done.