Monday, March 9, 2015


Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. 
Tina brought me to the hospital. 
They have been taking tests and doing x-rays. 
The blow to my head is very strong, may be serious. 
Also, I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound 
fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate 
the right foot.
Wife's Response: Who is Tina?

I once dated an armless masseuse.
I let her walk all over me...

Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should 
know that I'm typing this with my middle finger.

“I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he 
was located in something called the Professional 
I felt better right away.” 
-George Carlin.

Me: This chicken is under
Wife: You don't appreciate my cooking.  
Me: No, really, I think the vet could save it if it 
we took it right now. 

Irish step dancing was discovered by
women waiting in line to use the restroom. 

"Open up, this is the police!" 
"Well, I've felt alone since my girlfriend left me, 
I'm sad all the time…." 
"No, the door!...
 Open up the door!" 

We're throwing a surprise retirement party for a 
guy at the office and the "party" isn't the surprise. 

Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted 
that by 2017, people will just pull their pants 
behind them with a rope.

My doctor said I need to workout with dumb-bells 
Any of you guys wanna go jogging with me?