Wednesday, March 18, 2015



As a scarecrow, people say I'm outstanding in my field.
But hey, it's in my jeans.

Researchers for the Western Australian Main Roads Department 
found over 200 dead crows on the Great Northern Highway 
recently, and there was concern that they may have died from 
Avian Flu. 
A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and 
confirmed that it was NOT Avian Flu. 
The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. 
However, during the analysis it was noted that varying colours 
of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. 
By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the 
crows had been killed by trucks, while only 2% were killed by 
The MRD then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to 
determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate 
percentages of truck kills versus car kills. 
The O.B quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, 
they always have a look-out crow to warn of impending danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout 
"Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck".

I was offered sex today, with a 21 year old girl. 
In exchange for 
that, I was supposed to advertise some 
kind of bathroom cleaner to my friends. 
Of course I declined because I am a person of high moral 
standards with a strong willpower. 
Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. 
Now available scented with lemon or vanilla.

Knock knock...
Who's there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
I didn't know you could yodel!

I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the 
Green county zoo.

A squirrel is in a pine tree, when all of a sudden, it starts 
He looks down, and sees an elephant climbing the tree.
"What are you doing? 
Why are you climbing my tree?" the squirrel calls down to
 the elephant.
"I'm coming up there to eat some pears!" the elephant responds.
"You fool! This is a pine tree! There aren't any pears up here!"
The elephant looks perplexed for a moment, and then says, 
"Well I brought my own pears."

What's green and fuzzy and would kill you if it fell from a tree? 
A pool table...

I've stolen pens from the bank. 
Technically I've robbed a bank.

Parents taught me to never get in cars with 
strangers, so not too sure about taking this taxi. 

I wonder if caterpillars know they're gonna fly 
some day or they just start building a cocoon and 
are like 'why am I doing this'.