Monday, March 30, 2015



Wife: "Bad day?"
Me: "Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid."
Wife: "Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get 

Judging from the sounds in my trunk,
this guy would have had an excellent career as a 

I don't hate my job. I just really enjoy curling 
up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the 
backseat of my car during lunch. 

My company just gave the janitor 
the Employee of the Month Award in a big ceremony 
that he spent hours cleaning up afterwards.

My favorite machine at the gym... 
is the television.

My wife's been working in our garden for two solid 
days now. 
I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep 
hole like that.

OMG!! you're covered in blood! are you ok?"
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy....

My nephew told me all he wants for Christmas is 
his dead dog back. 
Can't WAIT to see his face when I wrap it up and 
stick it under the tree.

They say don't dress for the job you have, but 
for the job you want. 
Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a 

Why do you never see obese people hiding in trees? 
Because they're really jolly good at it....