Wife: "Bad day?"
Me: "Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid."
Wife: "Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get
Judging from the sounds in my trunk,
this guy would have had an excellent career as a
I don't hate my job. I just really enjoy curling
up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the
backseat of my car during lunch.
My company just gave the janitor
the Employee of the Month Award in a big ceremony
that he spent hours cleaning up afterwards.
My favorite machine at the gym...
is the television.
My wife's been working in our garden for two solid
I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep
hole like that.
OMG!! you're covered in blood! are you ok?"
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy....
My nephew told me all he wants for Christmas is
his dead dog back.
Can't WAIT to see his face when I wrap it up and
stick it under the tree.
They say don't dress for the job you have, but
for the job you want.
Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a
Why do you never see obese people hiding in trees?
Because they're really jolly good at it....