Thursday, March 26, 2015

# 2656



Why is it that the Avon lady can go and knock on random 
women's doors and ask them if they are interested in a 
refreshing facial but, when I do it, they put me on the sex 
offenders list? 

Things not to say when stopped by a traffic cop: 
   "Here's 20 bucks to forget all about it." 
   "Is it true that people become cops because they can't get 
hired at McDonalds?" 
   "Thanks officer, the cop yesterday let me off with a warning 
   "Is that a baton, or are you just glad to see me?" 
   "I can't reach my license and registration unless you hold my 
   "Aren't you the guy from the Village People?" 
   "Want to buy a cheap computer, no questions asked? 
I have 50 in the trunk.

Tomorrow I am going to open the time capsule I buried as a kid. 
I can't wait to see how big my puppy got

Spilling a beer is the adult equivalent of a child letting go 
of a balloon....

Reporter got asked about any survivors of a plane crash & 
said 'its up in the air'. 
.Dude if it was up in the air we wouldn't be in this mess...

This dude is using a pay phone. 
I guess someone got kidnapped. 

A policeman came into my house and told me to  
put my hands up. 
I told him that he wasn't a DJ and we laughed 
and laughed and now I'm in jail. 

The good news is, that bag of clothes from 1998 that I still 
haven't taken to the donation center…they are back in style now. 

And the award for Best Actress goes to...
*opens envelope*....
my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in 
"Bath Time". 

My wife suffers from chronic, debilitating 
Anyway, enough about her......back to drum 

Paris Hilton says that bees frighten her.  
I bet the rest of the alphabet does too. 

This dog must been at some wild ass party 
last night.
He's still wearing a lampshade around his neck.