Tuesday, March 31, 2015



Tom had a wife named Ruth. 
David was having an affair with Ruth and Tom found 
out about it sometime later. 
This made Tom very angry so he blasted them both
away with a shotgun when he caught Ruth and David 
in bed together one evening. 
Now Tom no longer had any Ruth in his life. 
His life was now one Ruth LESS than it was while she 
was still living. 
This is how the term "ruthless" came about. 
PS- don't ask me why the former capital R in 
"ruthless" was changed to a lower-case R. 

Unrestrained children in the back seat can cause accidents. 
Unrestrained accidents in the back seat can cause children.

People who complain that my Christmas gifts are 
"stupid" and "thoughtless" clearly have no idea how 
hard it is to wrap a pineapple.

A teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his "1 to 10" well. 
"Yes! Of course! My pop taught me...even more than 10" 
"Good. What comes after three?” 
"Four," answers the boy. 
"What comes after six?" 
"Very good," says the teacher. 
"Your erm...dad did a good job. 
Now...so what comes after...lets say ten?" 
"A jack!" 

I saw a guy with antlers on his car, 
so I shot it...... 

Had a band called Free Beer...... 
Looked great on the Marquee, attendance was great...
then the riot squad showed up..... 

My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer 
keyboard & earned an online college degree. 

Panicking when her toddler swallowing a tiny magnet;
 my sister, Betty, rushed him to the emergency room.
"He'll be fine," the doctor promised her. 
"The magnet should pass through his system in a day or two."
"How will I be sure?" she pressed.
"Well," the doctor suggested, "you could stick him on the 
When he falls off, you'll know."

I helped organize my lawyer's funeral this week, 
but apparently he has to be dead before we can go 
ahead with it. 

I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. 
Not sure what I'll do that second week....


Monday, March 30, 2015



Wife: "Bad day?"
Me: "Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid."
Wife: "Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get 

Judging from the sounds in my trunk,
this guy would have had an excellent career as a 

I don't hate my job. I just really enjoy curling 
up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the 
backseat of my car during lunch. 

My company just gave the janitor 
the Employee of the Month Award in a big ceremony 
that he spent hours cleaning up afterwards.

My favorite machine at the gym... 
is the television.

My wife's been working in our garden for two solid 
days now. 
I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep 
hole like that.

OMG!! you're covered in blood! are you ok?"
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy....

My nephew told me all he wants for Christmas is 
his dead dog back. 
Can't WAIT to see his face when I wrap it up and 
stick it under the tree.

They say don't dress for the job you have, but 
for the job you want. 
Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a 

Why do you never see obese people hiding in trees? 
Because they're really jolly good at it....


Sunday, March 29, 2015



Harry Reid is stepping down due to face problems,
seems keeping track of BOTH of them has become a chore. 
He asked Nancy Pelosi to step down also but she declined 
saying Her face problems weren't paid for yet.......

What do you call immigrants to Sweden? 
Artificial Swedeners

Walked right by an ex-girlfriend today.  
Not on purpose, I just didn't recognize her with 
her mouth closed. 

Father: I have 4 sons
 1st- Engineer
 2nd- MBA
 3rd- Ph.D
 4th- Thief
 Neighbor: Why don’t you throw your 4th son out of the 
 Father: He is the only one earning in the house, rest are jobless!!!

This dishwasher sucks. 
It's already ruined three of my paper plates.

Tell someone you love them today, because life 
is short. 
But shout it at them in German, because life is also 
terrifying and confusing. 

I believe in sharing the road with other drivers 
They can have the part behind me.

My kids are gone for the WHOLE day. 
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to 
pop this 3rd bottle of champagne.

I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got 
there and needed help pulling the door open. 

I want to have kids before my parents are
too old to be able to take care of them.

I slept like a rock last night, meaning 
I woke up in the flower bed with the house key under 
my belly.


Saturday, March 28, 2015


Newsflash: "Crazed man jumps Whitehouse fence"...... 
Secret service says everything is under control and that 
Obama was caught a short time later. 

Little Johnny comes downstairs crying. His mother asked, 
“What’s the matter now?”
“Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with 
hammer,” said little Johnny through his tears. 
“That’s not so serious,” soothed his mother. 
“I know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn’t cry at 
something like that. 
Why didn’t you just laugh?
“I did!” sobbed Johnny....

Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain. 

I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair  
is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck. 

At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the 
boarding announcement at Gate 35. 
Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, 
"We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will 
board from Gate 41."
So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate  
Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that 
Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.
So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to 
the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public 
address voice spoke again: 
"Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program. 

I keep having this dream that I'm being carried  
off by a giant squirrel. 
Does that make me nuts? 

According to my cousin's diploma, he graduated  
from an "Institute of Fine Farts" because I know 
how do calligraphy with a sharpie. 

Why is it whenever we see a police car, we drive 
like we have 10 kilos of cocaine and a stolen baby
in the car? 

BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car. 
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot 
charging cable. 


Friday, March 27, 2015




My morning commute was hectic today.
I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. 
I made it to the couch safely though. 

This twitter thing should be a piece of cake...
I've married for 19 years, I'm used to talking and not getting 
a response. 

Junior high schools have a zero tolerance policy on name 
calling, so a teacher had a concern when a student complained 
another student had called him the "E" word.
 "E" word? the teacher asked, puzzled as she could not think 
of single bad name beginning with E.
The student lowered his voice and muttered, "idiot"

A Texan, while visiting Toronto, found himself in the back seat 
of a taxi cab on the way to his hotel. 
Passing by the Royal York the Texan asked the cab driver, 
"What's that building there?" 
"That's the Royal York Hotel," replied the cabbie. 
"The Royal York? How long did it take to build that?" 
asked the Texan. 
"About 12 years," replied the cabbie.
"12 years? We build 'em twice as high, twice as wide and 
four times as long down in Texas, and we do that in six 
A while later the cab driver makes his way past the 
Metro-Toronto Convention Centre. 
"What's that building over there?" asked the Texan. 
"That's the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre,"
 replied the cabbie. 
"Convention Centre? How long'd it take to build that?" 
asked the Texan. 
"About three years," replied the cabbie. 
"Three years? We build 'em twice as high, three times as long 
and four times as wide as that down in Texas, and it only takes 
us about two weeks."
Shortly thereafter the cabbie drives past the CN Tower. 
"What's that building there?" asks the Texan, pointing at the 
"Danged if I know," replied the cabbie, "It wasn't here when 
I drove by yesterday."

Two policemen call the station on their radio. 
 "Hello. ..... Is this the Sarge?" 
 "We have a case here, Sarge. 
A woman has shot her husband dead for stepping on the 
floor she had mopped." 
"Have you arrested the woman?" 
"No sir. The floor is still wet." 

How do Amish guys know if its a romantic 
candlelit dinner, or just regular dinner? 

Sometimes as I’m getting off a crowded elevator  
I like to turn & look at someone who’s staying on
and say, “you’re in charge while I’m gone.” 

This donut scented car air freshener is going to 
pay for itself next time I get pulled over. 

After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one 
night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room. 
Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically. 
He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and 
he was sure he was going to die.
No amount of talking was helping. His father, in an attempt to 
calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and 
pretended to pull it from Sammy's ear. 
Sammy was delighted.
In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed it, 
then cheerfully demanded, "Do it again, Daddy, do it again!!!" 

You're so vain, you probably think  me driving by 
your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black 
with binoculars is about you, don't you? 

Man in hospital with Hoover a stuck up his bottom - 
Doctors say he’s picking up nicely....