Friday, February 27, 2015



Wouldn't you love to see a court case like this?
Your Honor, I move for dismissal. 
My client and I are just following the example set forth by 
the president of these very united states. 
He has consistently ignored current and standing immigration 
laws and simply renamed "Illegal Aliens" to "Undocumented 
This has been upheld by his chief justices on the Supreme 
My client your honor is Not a rapist, he is an "Undocumented 
We stand by the presidents example and expect you your 
honor to comply with the example of your superiors on the 
Supreme Court! 
The gavel slams down and the judge proclaims 
"Case dismissed, for making too much sense"...

“Eating oysters can help you increase your mussel tone.”

Politically correct 1....
A man does not behave like a total ass - he develops a case 
of rectalcranial inversion. 

At the urging of his doctor...
an elderly man moved to the deepest countryside. 
After settling in, he met a neighbor who was also an older man. 
"Say, is this really a healthy place?" 
"It sure is," the man replied. 
"When I first arrived here I couldn’t say one word. 
I had hardly any hair on my head. 
I didn’t have the strength to walk across a room, 
and I had to be lifted out of bed." 
"That’s wonderful!" said the newcomer. 
"How long have you been here?" 
"I was born here." 

My conscious never stops me from doing anything. 
It just stops me from enjoying it. 

Bob walked into his pal's office only to find Gareth 
looking depressed.
Bob asked, "Hey, what's with that long face?"
Gareth said, "You know my wife. 
She hired a new secretary for me."
Bob asked, "So what? Is she blonde or brunette?"
Gareth replied, "Neither..... He's bald."

Chuck Norris has a bear rug in his den. 
The bear isn't dead- just afraid to move. 

A man was chosen for jury duty who really wanted 
to be dismissed from serving. 
He tried every excuse he could think of but none 
of them worked. 
On the day of the trial, he decided to give it one 
more shot. 
As the trial was about to begin, he asked if he 
could approach the bench. 
"Your Honor", he said, "I must be excused from 
this trial because I am prejudiced against the 
I took one look at the man in the blue suit with 
those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I 
thought, 'He's a crook! He's guilty!' 
So, your Honor, I cannot possibly stay on this jury!" 
The tired and annoyed judge replied, "Get back in 
the jury box, you fool. 
That man is the lawyer!"

When you're a cannibal,
A hit and run becomes a dine and dash......

I was upset because my Wi-Fi was slow...
until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had 
no internet at all. 

Q: "Where do you see yourself in five years?"
A: "I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision."