Monday, February 23, 2015



Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no-bell prize.

God: "Whew, I just created a 24-hour period of alternating 
light and darkness on earth." 
Angel: "Oh yeah? What are you going to do now?" 
God: "I think I'll call it a day." 

Alisdair Biggar, a Scotsman, applied to join to the New York 
City police force. 
The inspector glared at him and asked, 'How would you 
disperse a large, unruly crowd?' 
'Well,' replied Alisdair thoughtfully, 'I'm no too sure how ye 
do it here in New York, but in Aberdeen we just pass the hat 
around, and they soon begin to shuffle off.' 

Officer to driver going the wrong way up a one way street. 
"And where do you think you are going?"
Driver: - "I'm not sure, but I must be late as everyone else is 
coming back."

A woman with really hairy underarms boards a 
crowded bus. 
Unable to find a seat, she settles for hanging onto 
one of the poles.
A drunk man next to her stares at her for three 
minutes, then tell her, "I love a woman that does 
The woman replies angrily, "I don't DO aerobics!"
The drunk man then looks at the woman and says, 
"Then how did you get your leg up so high?"

What smells of fish and goes round and round at 
100 mph?. 
A goldfish in a blender. 

The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet 
when a policeman ran up to help. 
"My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!" the 
shaken man told the cop.
"The car hit you from behind," the officer said. 
"How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?"
"I recognized the laugh!" he replied.

Work is a great thing..............
As long as it doesn't take up too much of your spare time. 

Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 
13 years on a book about Swedish economic 
He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, 
only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in 
seconds when a worker confused the
copier with the shredder.

'Listen to this Lads', said the man to his mates in the pub. 
'Last night when ah wis in here a burglar broke in tae ma hoose.' 
'Did he get anyhting?' 
'Aye, a broken nose and two teeth knocked oot. 
The wife thought it wis me commin in drunk!'