Monday, February 9, 2015



My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Steve, 
so I asked him, "What's the name of his other leg?" 

Experience is that marvelous thing that 
you recognize a mistake when you make it again.

This wife has been married for seven years and 
has six kids and is tired of being pregnant. 
So, she goes to talk to her priest, the priest tells 
her to go and buy a ten gallon bucket
and stick her feet in it  at night, she thanks him 
and goes off to do as he says.
Well six months later the priest sees her and 
sure enough she is pregnant again. 
The priest asks her if she followed his
instructions, she said yes but that she could 
not find a ten gallon bucket so she bought two 
five gallon buckets. 

It's true; all men are born free and equal - 
but some of them get married.....

It's Christmas time and Paddy and Shaun 
decided to go look for a Christmas Tree. 
They gathered their axe, a sled, and a broom to 
brush the trees off so they can get a good look 
at them. 
When they finally reach a fine stand of trees, 
Shaun brushes off the first tree, and stands 
back with Paddy to look at it. 
"Well, Paddy, What do you think?"
"Sorry, Shaun, this tree won't do. 
Let's try another one". 
They come upon another nice tree, Shaun 
brushes it off, and they both look at it. 
"How about this one, Paddy?" 
"Not quite, Shaun. Let's keep looking".
This goes on until nightfall. 
Both Paddy and Shaun are cold, tired, and 
"Well, Paddy, what do we do now?" 
"Shaun, I think we should take home the next 
tree we find, whether it has lights on it or not..."

Q- Why can't Women stand a day in a Jungle?
A- There are no Shopping Centers..

Q- How to save a Dying Woman?
A- Tell her about a 90% Sale going on somewhere..

Leo said, "It was all going OK until we split the 
Seems I got the OUT-side."

What is the difference between a flea and a wolf?
One prowls on the hairy and the other howls 
on the prairie!

I had been doing Tech Support for 
Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a 
month when I had a customer call with a problem 
I just couldn't solve.
She could not print yellow. 
All the other colors would print fine, which truly 
baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, 
magenta, and yellow. 
For instance, green is a combination of cyan and 
yellow, but green printed fine.
Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for 
I had the customer change ink cartridges. 
I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers.
Nothing worked.
I asked my co-workers for help; they offered no 
new ideas.
After over two hours of troubleshooting, 
I was about to tell the customer to send the printer 
in to us for repair when she asked quietly, 
"Should I try printing on a piece of white paper 
instead of this "yellow" construction paper?"

I have kleptomania. 
When it gets bad, I take something for it.