Tuesday, February 10, 2015



A man goes to a doctor, worried about his digestive system... 
“Doc, I know there's something wrong with my digestive 
I fart a lot, but my farts don't stink. 
I know there's got to be something wrong.” 
Doctor: “Drop your pants and bend over, let me look up there.” 
The man does as ordered. 
He drops his pants and underwear and bends over. 
Doctor: “Every thing looks okay. 
Cut a fart and let me see what happens.” 
The man cuts a fart and the doctor stands up, “My God, Man! 
You need an operation!” 
 “I knew it! I knew there was something wrong. 
Do I need an operation on my stomach or my anus?” 
Doctor: “You need an operation on your nose!” 

A man went to the mall this last week to buy Valentines’ cards 
for his daughter and mother. 
The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of cards astounded him. 
He muttered out loud, “I wonder if they have anything for 
The clerk behind the counter said, “Oh, yes sir, they do have 
an‘ex’ category, but they’re in Sporting Goods.”
“Yes sir. They’re called darts.” 

Flex went to a very expensive jeweller shop and asked for a 
ring to surprise his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day.
The jeweller asked, ‘Would you like your girlfriend’s name 
engraved on it?’
Flex thought for a moment,and said, ‘No, instead engrave 
“To my one and only love”.’
The jeweller smiled and said, ‘Yes, sir; how very romantic of 
Flex with a grin on his face said, ‘Not exactly romantic, 
but very practical. 
This way, if we break up, I can use it again.’

A husband, while on a business trip,  sent a telegram to his 
wife "I wish you were here." 
The message received by the wife was "I wish you were her."

George went fishing, but at the end of the day he had not 
caught one fish. 
On the way back home, he stopped at a fish store. 
I want to buy three trout, he said to the owner. 
But instead of putting them in a bag, throw them to me. 
Why should I do that? the owner asked. 
So I can tell everyone that I caught three fish! 

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. 
"It`s for my husband," she tells the clerk. 
"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk. 
"Are you kidding?" she says..... 
"He doesn`t even know that I`m going to shoot him!"

Humor About Death;
OLD WANTS never die, they become needs..
OLD WATCHMAKERS never die, they just run out of time..
OLD WATCHMAKERS never die, they just unwind..
OLD WATCHMAKERS never die, they just wind down..
OLD WEATHERMEN never die, they reign forever..
OLD WHITE WATER RAFTERS never die, they just get 
OLD WOOL COATS never die, they just become mothballed..
OLD WRESTLERS never die, they just lose their grip..
OLD YACHTSMEN never die, they just keel over..
WALT DISNEY didn't die, he's in suspended animation..
There is no conclusive evidence about what happens to old 
skeptics, -- but their future is doubtful...

One morning at a doctor's office a patient arrives 
complaining of serious back-pain. 
The doctor examines him and asks him -"OK, 
what happened to your back?"
 The patient replies " I work for a local night club.
This morning I got home to my apartment early 
and heard a noise in my bedroom.
 On entering I knew someone had been with my 
wife and the balcony door was open. 
I rushed out the balcony door and did not find 
As I looked down from then balcony I saw a man 
running out and he was dressing himself very fast. 
I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him,
That’s how I strained my back."
The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has
 been in a car wreck. 
The doctor said "My previous patient looked bad, 
but you look terrible. 
What the hell happened to you?"
He replied, "You know I have been unemployed 
for a while now. 
Today was the first day at my new job. 
I forgot to set my alarm and was running late.
I was running out of the building, getting
dressed at the same time, and you won't believe it 
a fridge fell on me."
The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than 
the other two Patients do..!!
The doctor is shocked. Again asks, "What the hell 
happened to youuuuuu.....?"
"Well I was sitting in a fridge and some one threw
it from the 3rd floor."

I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time. 
So I ordered 'French Toast during the Renaissance'...

Did you hear about the guy who tried to date a 
He wanted to take her to the county fair, 
but she declined on account of she had taken a 
vow abstaining from Carnival pleasures.