Saturday, February 28, 2015

# 2630



 Live long and prosper...... 

Did you hear the story of the Human Cannonball. 
Hired and fired in the same night.

One time, 
I snorted the crumbs at the bottom of a Cheetos bag. 
I had cheese boogers for days. 

Flex who was unemployed for a long time decided to 
open a medical clinic. 
He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment 
guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail." 
A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 
and goes to his clinic. 
Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste." 
Flex: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and 
put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." 
Doctor: "This is Gasoline!" 
Flex: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. 
That will be $500." 
The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of 
days later to recover his money. 
Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything." 
Flex: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and 
put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." 
Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!" 
Flex: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. 
That will be $500." 
The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, 
more determined than ever to make his money back.
Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak." 
Flex: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. 
Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a $500 note.
Doctor: "But this is $500..." 
Flex: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! 
That will be $500."

LIFE HACK: eat a cookie every time you have a good idea. 
this associates idea w/ cookie. 
now every time you eat a cookie you will think of a good idea......

Sean Murphy phoned Pan-Am. "How long does it take to
 fly from Boston to Dublin?" 
 "Just a minute, sir." 
 "Ah, that is quick." And he hung up. 

Paddy was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage 
son was about to have an operation. 
Watching the doctor's every move, he asked, "What's that?" 
The doctor explained, "This is an anesthetic. 
After he gets this he won't know a thing." 
"Save your time, Doc," exclaimed Paddy. 
"He don't know nothing now."

One day a man and his dog walk into a bar. 
The owner of the dog says to the bartender 
"I bet 10 dollars my dog can talk".
The bartender, naturally, accepts.
All of the sudden the dog starts reciting the 
Gettysburg address.
So the bartender lays down ten dollars and the 
dog grabs it and runs out the door. 
The owner runs after the dog. 
He finds him in a back ally (kissing) a french 
The owner says to his dog "What are you doing? 
You've never done that before."
The dog responds: "I've never had ten dollars 

An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. 
Her husband demanded to know who the other man was. 

Delivering a speech at a banquet on the night of 
his arrival in a large city, a visiting minister told 
several anecdotes he expected to repeat at 
meetings the next day.
Because he wanted to use the jokes again, he 
requested the reporters to omit them from any 
accounts they might turn in to their newspapers.
A cub reporter, in commenting on the speech, 
ended his piece with the following: 
"The minister told a number of stories that 
cannot be published."

Just once I would like to hear an athlete... 
thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything 
God left out.