Just bought a sandwich at the airport
so gonna have to put off buying a house for a while.
Looking for words for that special VDay card?
>My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.
>I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
>Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.
>Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.
>Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty and so is your head.
>I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.
> I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
>My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
President Obama took some banking and insurance
executives out to dinner and told them, "Order
whatever you want to drink, order whatever you want
to eat, order some to take home, order some for your
neighbors and make sure you all also get some
One of the executives exclaimed, "Mr. President,
that's going to cost a fortune!"
Obama replied, "Don't worry about it.
We won’t be here when the check comes."
A lady once triplets begat,
Named Nat and Pat and Tat
Though it was fun breeding,
The trouble was feeding,
Because there was no tit for Tat..
You are not drunk
if you can lie on the floor
without holding on.
I learned nothing in college.
It was really kind of my own fault.
I had a double major: psychology and reverse
If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and
scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same
One thing you can say for kids, they don't go around
showing pictures of their grandparents.
I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are.
Grandmom tends to all the chores around her
home since Granddad died.
One spring day, my dad and I were helping her
clean up her blossoming yard.
"Don’t overfill those garbage bags with
clippings," she reminded us.
"The garbage men won’t pick up bags heavier
than 40 pounds.
They’ll just leave them."
When Grandmom went into the house to make
lemonade, Dad and I stuffed the remaining
clippings into two bags.
They were admittedly on the heavier side of
the allowable 40 pounds.
As Dad and I thirstily drank the cool lemonade,
my 81-year-old, 110-pound grandmom bent
over and hoisted both bags to eye level.
"How," she admonished us, "are those poor
garbage men going to lift these heavy bags?"