Sunday, February 22, 2015



Is there anything more pointless than being 
a female suicide bomber? 
I mean, just what the hell are they going to do with 72 virgins?
My wife sent her photograph to the Lonely Hearts 
They sent it back saying they weren't that lonely.

I have so much debt, I could start a government.

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick 
of dynamite.
Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up 
to the phone.
"Hear that?" you say....... "That's dynamite, baby."

Russian President Vladimir Putin has been 
nominated for a Nobel prize in Medicine for 
his work on clinical depression. 
Apparently he can predict who will commit 
suicide next week in one of his prisons by 
just picking up his phone. 

My wife should be on a parole board. 
She never lets anyone finish a sentence. 

Dentists make money off of people with bad teeth 
Why should I trust the toothpaste they recommend?

Bubba was speeding down the road when a traffic 
cop stopped him. 
Cop: Do you realize you were going above the speed 
Bubba: But officer, I am only learning to drive. 
Cop: What? Without an instructor? 
Bubba: Its a correspondence course, Officer. 

Is there cultured oil anywhere, or just crude oil? 

Dorothy went to visit her dentist with broken teeth. 
While she was seated on the dental chair, she asked 
the dentist, "Before you start working on me, I have 
a question. 
Will I be able to play the Saxophone when you are 
The dentist replied patiently, "Of course you will!"
Dorothy exclaimed , "Oh wonderful! 
I couldn't play a note before!"

What do you plant to grow a seedless watermelon?