Sunday, February 15, 2015


i'm so old...i remember when the USA was a country... 
not a refugee camp...

I read an article the other day that said,
"If you drink every day you are an alcoholic." 
Thank God I only drink every night. 

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, 
''You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush 
bucket theatre seats. 
It worked like a charm. 
The front of the church always fills first now.'' 
The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, 
''And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would 
bring young people back to church, so I supported you 
when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. 
Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony.'' 
'Thank you, Father,'' answered the young priest. 
''I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.'' 
 ''All of these ideas have been well and good,'' said the elderly 
priest, ''But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru 
''But, Father,'' protested the young priest, ''my confessions 
and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!'' 
''Yes,'' replied the elderly priest, ''and I appreciate that. 
But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot 
stay on the church roof!"

I made a mistake while on vacation in Mexico 
when I asked to buy a tortilla maker, 
the guy told me $100. 
Now that I own his daughter I realized I should 
have said a tortilla press. 

How is being at the singles bar different from 
being at the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk...

A man phones a mental hospital and asks the 
receptionist if there is anybody in room 27. 
She goes and checks, and comes back to the 
phone, telling him No, the room is empty. 
"Good," says the man. 
"That means I must have really escaped."

Nancy goes to the gynecologist and he examines 
He says, "You have acute vaginitis."
She says, "Thank you."

Golf is like a man urinating: 
Keep your back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart. 
Form a loose grip. 
Keep your head down. 
Avoid a quick backswing. 
Stay out of the water. 
You shouldn't stand directly in front of others. 
Be quiet while others are about to go. 
Keep strokes to a minimum.

You know you're really broke when... 
American Express calls and says: 
"Leave home without it!"