••
♥
I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old Granddaughter
and I asked her, What day is tomorrow?"
Without skipping a beat she said, "It's Presidents Day!"
She's smart, so I asked her "What does Presidents Day mean?"
I was waiting for something about Obama, Bush, or Clinton, .
She replied, "Presidents Day is when the President steps out
of the White House, and if he sees his shadow,
we have another year of bullshit."
You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose.
••
I was treated to breakfast in bed this morning.
Unfortunately, it was a slice of last nights' pizza stuck to the
side of my face.
••
Nothing embarrasses psychics more than throwing them a
surprise birthday party.
••
Buying my wife a matching belt and bag for
her birthday.
We'll have that vacuum cleaner working on no
time.
••
Little Johnny's Science .....
1. When you breathe you inspire.
When you don't breathe, you expire.
2. The process of turning steam back into water again is
called conversation.
3. Louis Pasteur found a cure for rabbis.
4. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of
the species.
5. Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
6. Hydrogen is made up of gin and water.
7. In spring, salmon swim upstream to spoon.
8. The pistol of a flower is it's only protection against insects.
••
A well-adjusted person is one who makes the
same mistake twice without getting nervous.
••
Wife said she doesn't want to have a baby!
You got this thing that runs after you, and then
it falls down, and then it falls into you, and
then vomits all over you.
Then, it wants to suck on your breasts.
It's like prom night over and over again."
••
I'm a little worried about my new tax software.
It just recommended I slip across the border
into Mexico.
••
A Mafia Don walks into a Swiss bank.
He is accompanied by several henchmen who
whip out machine-guns.
The Don says, "Do as I say and nobody gets
hurt!
Bring me the manager."
The manager comes out and the Don says,
"Members of my organization have been
swindling me out of money and depositing it
in this bank.
Give me their names and I'll let you live."
The manager replies, "We Swiss bankers never
give out the names of our customers."
The Don shouts, "This is your last warning!
Give me the names or we kill you and everyone
in this building!"
But the manager says, "We Swiss bankers
would rather die than betray the trust of our
clients."
So the Don nods to his henchmen and they put
their machine-guns away.
Then he starts pulling thick wads of hundred-
dollar bills from his pockets and says,
"I would like to open an account here, please."
••
What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
Senator...
••••
