Flex went on a date with a girl last night.
He said, "You look lovely, by the way."
"Thanks," she smiled.
"My dad made me what I am today."
"You come from a rich family?" he asked.
She said, "No, he's a transgender surgeon."
Wife: I hate that beggar.
Wife: Yesterday, I gave him food. Later he gave
me a book titled "How to cook".
If the febreze commercial with the rooms fill
with rotting garbage inspires you to buy febreze.
Then you need to clean your damn house.
I used to smoke pot and go to class.
Sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse.
Slink down low at my desk.
Pray to god nobody ask me any questions.
I was the best teacher ever.
The rodents in my home are so damn big,
they step in the glue traps and wear them like
flip-flops around the house.
Modern Travel: To promote airline safety, a
proposed FAA rule would require that every
suitcase checked on a US flight be on the same
plane as its owner.
"That means that even though you want to fly
to Orlando at 9 am, you may end up on the
10 pm plane to Boise."
Major airlines oppose the plan.
"They are even against a less stringent rule that
would require luggage and owners to be in the
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint,
I raised my kale smoothie & the officer
immediately waved me through.
Why bicycles are better than women:
1. If you say horrible things to your bicycle, you
don't have to apologize before you can ride it
2. You can ride your bicycle as long as you want
to and it won't get sore.
3. If your bicycle is too loose you can tighten it.
4. Bicycles don't care if you look at other bicycles.
5. When riding, you and your bicycle can arrive
at the same time.
6. Bicycles don't whine unless something is really
7. Bicycles don't get pregnant.
Grandma found out I'm single, so I have roughly
an hour to find a girlfriend or Ill be getting the
'have you thought about being a priest' talk again.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin.
My father was completely lost in the kitchen and
never ate unless someone prepared a meal for him.
When Mother was ill, however, he volunteered to
go to the supermarket for her.
She sent him off with a carefully numbered list of
Dad returned shortly, very proud of himself, and
proceeded to unpack the grocery bags.
He had one bag of sugar, two dozen eggs,
three hams, four boxes of detergent,
five boxes of crackers, six eggplants, and seven