An Englishman went into a hardware store and asked to buy
'Would you like one with a plug?' asked the assistant.
'Don't tell me they've gone electric,' said the Englishman.
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big
smiles on their faces.
The coroner calls the police to tell them his results after the
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making
love to his mistress.
Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.
"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on
the lottery, spent it all on whisky.
Died of alcohol Poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one.
Paddy from Belfast, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken."
The loudest possible way to open a bag of chips is to try and
do so quietly.
Sleep - That fleeting moment that ends alarmingly.
Wholesale - Where a gopher goes to buy a home
Toad - What happens to an illegally parked frog.
Polarize - What penguins see with.
Marriage - A romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter.
Pasteurize - Too far to see.
Ostracized - The same size as an ostrich.
Lactose - Consequence of frostbite ..
My wife said we should try some role reversal
in bed last night... So I said I had a headache.
Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight.
The knife lost.
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
One early morning, Rehan’s wife died after a
Rehan called for an ambulance from the funeral
He said: “My wife is no more.
She died this morning.”
The operator said, “I am sorry to hear that.
I will arrange to send an ambulance right away.
And what is the name of the street, sir?”
Rehan replied, “It’s Chincholi Bunder road.”
The Operator asked: “Err….. will you spell it for
me, sir? “
Rehan replied, “No I will just haul her down
to your place.”
Q: What rock group has four men that don't sing?
A: Mount Rushmore....
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother
smoothed cold cream on her face.
"Why do you do that, Mom?"
"To make myself beautiful," she answered.
She then began to remove the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" Johnny started. "Giving up?"
Two small-town merchants were visiting
New York City for the first time to attend a
There was a large party thrown, with lots of food
At the end of the party, they both staggered
One guy crossed the street, while the other
stumbled into a subway entrance.
When the 1st guy reached the other side of the
street, he noticed the other emerging from the
"Where ya been?" he slurred.
"I don't know," gushed the other guy, "but you
should see the train set that guy has in his